friendship

chasing community

When I chose to move to Nashville, I said it was "to chase down community". A year later, I'm still chasing it. From a young age, my closest friends lived far from me. I grew up attending a Christian school, but most of the time my morals, standards, and choices were very different than those of my classmates. (I'm pretty sure the fact I received the "Best Christian Witness" award every year says more about the student body as a whole than it does of me.)

So when I went on my first mission trip at 15, teaming up with teenagers from across the country to serve in Nicaragua for a month, I was blown away to discover others my age who strived to live with conviction and character. For the first time, I was surrounded by people who were passionate about following God, serving others, and pursuing a purpose greater than ourselves. I had found my tribe.

This was long before email and cell phones were commonplace, so we kept in touch by writing letters. We exchanged novel-length scribblings, sharing the mundane and the significant, and we did whatever we could to keep our friendship close despite the miles between us. We sent care packages, we made long-distance phone calls, we planned reunions.

Every summer, my next mission trip only further increased my amazing friendships all around the nation. There's something about the mission trip environment that fosters closeness quickly. We shared intense circumstances in close quarters in a short amount of time, and the friendships that were produced have spanned decades.

Then I moved to Africa at 19, again keeping in touch long-distance with those I was closest to. So in this new season of my life, having returned Stateside and, in every way possible, starting over, I knew I wanted to be somewhere I could be physically surrounded by friends. So I came to Nashville. To chase down community.

It's been beautifully rewarding in so many ways, but it's also been hard.

Community doesn't just happen. Friendships don't just forge (even when there's an immediate connection). It takes effort. It takes intentionality. It takes time, and heart, and risk, and trust. It takes chasing.

And sometimes, to be honest, I grow weary of the chase. At times it feels like an uphill climb — a fight, a struggle — to find where I belong. To discover where I fit. To figure out how to meld my life into a church and friendship community that existed long before I showed up. To integrate into already busy lives and full schedules. To feel part of a tribe again.

Even coming to a place where I already knew people (to some degree), it's still been just plain hard. And while at times my heart has felt disappointed or sad, ultimately I know it's okay. That the struggle is part of the process. I know friendships aren't just bippity-boppity-boo'd into existence. I know the investment — of time, of heart, of the chase — is so worth it.

And so I'll keep chasing, whatever that may look like on any given day. And I'll keep choosing to trust, no matter how hard it gets. The journey, even when long or difficult or unclear, is what matters most.

What's been your own experience with chasing down community?

out of africa

{Hello? Is this thing on? Can you even hear me over the sound of crickets?} Hi. It's been a while, I know. And while I could never do it justice, I'm gonna try to fill you in on the past couple months...

My first week or so in Africa seemed like an emotional roller coaster. Experiencing so many conflicting emotions, sometimes all at the same time, made my heart feel like she had whiplash. I was glad to be back, and yet familiar things brought equal measures of nostalgia and heartache. The acuteness of it all faded with each passing day. I feel like the length of my trip -- though long in every respect -- was a gift in that it gave me enough time for things to become "normal" again. In a way they hadn't felt in a long time.

I hit the ground running and was extremely busy with work. Long, full, tiring days were a distraction for my heart, which was both good and bad at times. And then, right when He knew I'd need it, God forced me to process rather than push it off.

I am a contributing author to a book being published in September. (Crazy, right?!) My portion of the manuscript had been turned in a month or so before I left, causing the editing process to fall smack in the middle of my time in Africa. Ummm... Wow. It was no coincidence that God had me revisit my memoir-style piece about following Him to and eventually from Africa while actually in Africa. It was h-a-r-d. So very hard. But so, so good.

I really enjoyed the whole editing process, though it was strenuous and heart-stretching in every possible way. I am excited about the new direction my writing took because I worked on it on my first trip back to Africa. And I am really thankful for the forced outlet of processing. My heart is stronger for it.

I had an amazing time with Love Botswana and Bridge for Hope. I am beyond grateful that I get to work with these incredible organizations, and I'm already looking forward to my next trip back to Southern Africa at the end of August.

I'm pretty sure my body has no idea what timezone I'm in. I arrived back in Nashville on Thursday. Less than 24 hours later, I hopped a plane to Oregon to surprise my Best Heart's Friend Cathi with a weekend visit. Her awesome husband helped me plan the whole thing so I could be there for their son's first birthday. Lincoln is my godson, and I didn't want to miss his big day! We had a blast of a weekend, filled with couch time and laughter and hugs and cake. What a gift it was to be there and to have my heart filled up with friends.

And now... I am really happy to be home in Nashville. I love to travel and feel crazy blessed that I get to, but I also love having a home to come back to. I'm a roots and wings girl after all.

From Africa to the west coast and now back in Central Time... Here's to the joys of jet lag (and NyQuil)!

Oh! I've been let out of Twitter purgatory! After 30 days -- with 7 support tickets filed and 0 contact from Twitter -- my account was reactivated just as randomly and explanationlessly as it had been suspended. So weird. (Thank you to all of you who implored the powers-that-be on my behalf!)

Well, I've got a suitcase to unpack and laundry to wash and a roommate to catch up on The Voice with. I'll talk to you again soon.

I promise.

happy blogiversary to us!

Yesterday was my four-year blogiversary. I started blogging as a "let's see how this goes" way to keep a handful of friends and family updated on my life in Africa. But the opportunity to write personally in addition to all the writing I do for ministry made it quickly become a passion.

Then about two years ago, the Grit took on a life of its own.

It became the welcome mat that invited people into my life. I began developing real friendships. Conversations progressed from comments to emails. Then there were phone calls, and webcam chats, and even hugs.

Nobody was more surprised than I was.

And it surprises me still.

I have more friendships now than I ever have---real, raw, authentic friendships---and that blows me away. The sense of community that's been fostered here is one of the most unexpected blessings of my entire life.

My eyes fill with tears just thinking about how God's used you to carry me through this difficult year. I'm humbled and honored to call you friends.

I no longer blog simply to keep people updated on my life. And I certainly don't write just to throw words at you. Or to hear myself speak.

I come to the Grit for strength, support, encouragement, and community.

And I've never been disappointed.

Here's to you! Happy four years, friends!

face time

Have you seen Dentyne's current ad campaign?

I think it's sheer creative genius. Mostly because it deeply resonates with people. And while it doesn't make me want to blow bubbles with Dentyne gum, it does make me want to put down my laptop and enjoy some face time.

Living in Africa for over a decade, the internet has been my life source for connections. Most of my friendships have never been sustained with phone calls, coffee dates, lunches, or visits. Instead, they've been cultivated with emails, instant messages, blogging, and video chats.

Lately I've heard a lot of dialogue about whether or not community can be found online. This much I know is true: It can. I'm grateful for the rich, genuine friendships that I've fostered over the internet.

But while I appreciate the value of "technologically advanced" friendships, I also recognize the significance of what I've missed in actual face time. A text message communicates far less than a long, tight hug. A phone call pales in comparison with the unspoken expressions of a glance or a touch. An online chat is merely a shadow of a chai-in-hand conversation on a coffee shop couch.

I'll always be grateful for whatever form of connection and affection I'm blessed to have. But whenever possible, please can I have some face time?

'Cause, seriously... What I wouldn't give for a hug like this today---

friend-request

meet dwayne

There's a certain Starbucks I visit fairly often, usually for hours on end with my laptop, journal, or Bible coming along for company. And there's a certain older gentleman who visits there just as regularly as I do. Dwayne's guaranteed to be found reading a newspaper, playing sudoku, or taking a nap in the middle of either. The other day I pit-stopped in a Starbucks on the complete other side of town. As I pulled into the parking lot, I spotted a familiar face enjoying a smoke outside. What was Dwayne doing here?!

"I feel like I've been caught cheating on my wife," he said when he saw me. He chuckled; I looked away and smiled.

In a strange city where I know practically no one, I was caught off guard by running into someone I "know". Made me realize just how long I've actually been here, and the fact that three months is a pretty long temporary.

I'm back in my usual Bux today after a bit of a hiatus. And Dwayne's not here. I wonder where he is, and if he's okay.

And I wonder if he's wondered the same about me.

sweet surrender

The other day a dear friend said something to me that just won't leave me alone. It keeps reverberating off the walls of my heart and echoing through the halls of my mind. You see, I've been wrestling with surrender.

I can already hear those of you who will tell me that wrestling with surrender is counterproductive. I get that surrender is about releasing. Letting go. Relinquishing. That's exactly why I'm wrestling with it.

I need to get this right.

Anyway.

Ked's words seemed to get right to the core of the surrender issue for me. surrender3 In all honesty, I'm simply not there yet to wholeheartedly tell God, "You pick!"

But I'm gonna keep wrestling with surrender until I can.

How about you?

undone

fingers-on-keyboard

I've written less emails in the past month than I used to write in a single day.

You gotta understand something about me: I'm a doer. I manage to get stacks of things done in a day. I figure out ways to tackle the to-do lists and push through the projects, even under tight deadlines. I know how to work my tail off when I need to. And even when I don't.

At least I used to anyway.

Right now, I simply don't have it in me.

My days are fairly empty, so I find myself with more time on my hands than ever before. But what I've gained in time, I lack in motivation, energy, and concentration. And one result is an overflowing inbox.

It's difficult for me to reach out right now. I feel unable to be the kind of friend I used to be and want to be---the kind of friend you deserve.

If you're one of the many who've emailed me but haven't heard back yet: I'm sorry for making you feel unimportant to me. I'm sorry I haven't explained until now.

Your emails aren't burdensome. My inbox is filled with reminders that I'm loved! So please don't hear this as a request to stop writing.

I guess it's just a request for patience. And understanding.

Because while I'm struggling to show it well right now, I still love and care deeply.

Even when I don't answer your email.

thoughts from the quiet girl

Those who know me best know I'm not always quiet. But I often am. Especially in a crowd.

And even more especially with a group of strangers I'm supposed to suddenly connect with on some deep level.

Then I'm definitely the quiet one.

There are a lot of reasons why---some I'm aware of and some I'm not able to see clearly just yet. I know underlying most of them is the trust factor.

I strongly value trust and trustworthiness. So situations where I'm supposed to open up to people I don't yet trust---forced sharing, if you will---make me largely uncomfortable.

I was in a situation like that a few days ago. People all around me were sharing freely, and I just kept thinking, "I'm not built that way." I didn't say very much, and while I was okay with my reservedness, I found myself wondering what it made the others think.

I fear that my quietness makes people assume things about me which are not only unintended but also inaccurate. I'm afraid I might come across as arrogant, stuffy, or annoyed.

(Feeling misunderstood is one of the worst things for me.)

So I'd love your honest input:

What assumptions do you make about the quiet person in a group?

[Feel free to comment anonymously if you can be more honest that way.]

everything's right

We went to a show downtown on Saturday. Having SweetFriend with me for my first concert in America in over twelve years was a gift. And, let me tell you, we had so much fun.

alece and sweetfriend

Apparently Mr. Man in front of us could tell we were having a blast. About 3/4 of the way through the night, he turned around and said---

"You guys definitely know how to have a good time. I think you're having more fun than anyone else in here."

Really!? We didn't think we were being loud or ostentatious at all.

Despite the fact that I can now say I've danced on a bar.

**ADDED** - Be sure you check out my disclaimer / confession.

housekeeping!

I've been on vacation for almost a week. Well, kind of. Being with my sweet friend Tracee felt like a vacation; the fact that we were in Ohio did not. (No offense, Ohioans. I'm guessing that even you'd prefer to vacate out of state!)

We talked about everything and nothing, and anything in between. And we set the bar high on doing absolutely nothing and enjoying every minute of it.

This much I know is true: Tracee is good for me.

And now I miss her. (Again.)

Vacation is over. Back to real life...

What's been the highlight of the past week for you?

i am (not) third

I struggle to make myself a priority. Ever. I know we are called to put others first, to love sacrificially, and to serve others rather than ourselves. The belief in those things developed in me the heart of a missionary and made me an empathetic leader.

But I’ve taken those truths to an untrue extreme.

As a child I wore a necklace with a “3rd” pendant. It served as a simple reminder that Jesus is first, others are second, and I am third. A healthy and Biblical way to approach life—when taken in the right context.

But somehow in the context of my own mind and heart, it became unhealthy.

It developed an inability to know who I am, and to give my own needs and desires any priority. It morphed me into a woman who has difficulty asserting myself, voicing an opinion, and making a decision that benefits me. It’s made me incredibly uncomfortable in situations where all eyes are on me or I’m forced to be the center of attention (even when it’s supposed to be a good thing). It’s formed the blanket of apology I’ve carried around my entire life.

I’m calling a moratorium on all this I am third crap.

It needs to stop.

I’m learning that putting me first is sometimes the best decision I can make. That it’s healthy to stand on my own two feet and be my own person. That I am enough.

I know there needs to be a balance. I certainly don’t intend to become arrogant, selfish, and unable to see or meet the needs of others in my journey to value myself more. The line between the two may be fine and, at times, difficult to discern, but there remains a line there nonetheless. And I intend to find it.

While this paradoxical statement may not make sense outside my own brain, this is how I’m choosing to live my life from now on:

I will always put others first, but I will no longer put myself last.

make me laugh: winner

make-me-laugh-banner-smaller

I so appreciate the many of you who sent videos to make me laugh. And laugh I did, I assure you. I'm also grateful that some of you sent a video hello. My face likes seeing your faces.

The winning video had me doubled-over in laughter. I've watched it over a dozen times, and it still makes me laugh. Every. Single. Time.

The Make Me Laugh award goes to...

:: insert drum roll here ::

... Tracee and Stephanie!

I hope their video makes the rest of you laugh even half as much as I did.Watching it is definitely worth the four+ minutes you'll never get back.

Tracee and Steph? Your StarBUCKS and iCASH will be heading your way soon. Oh, and you've got a week to submit your acceptance speech video, ok? Your fans will be waiting. I know you won't disappoint us.

::

A huge thanks to all of you who participated. You seriously made my day week month.

it's the little things that count

Lots of wonderful little things happened to me this past week.

  • A friend drove four hours round-trip to spend the day with me. She reminded me I still know how to laugh.
  • Another friend made me a mixed cd of beautiful songs that my heart needed to hear. Her daughters picked out the bright flowery mailing envelope that made me smile.
  • Friend #3 mailed me a check to kick start my Wii fund. Talk about a surprise!
  • I received a knit wrap that Friend #4 handcrafted just for me, with prayers on my behalf woven into every stitch. It feels like a hug.
  • I got to hear the voice of my beloved on-the-other-side-of-the-ocean friend. That did wonders for my heart.
  • A friend bought a webcam just so I could see her. We celebrated with a webcam sleepover.

Yeah. Lots of little things.

And not a single one is little to me!

but why?

make-me-laugh-banner-smaller

Are you still working on your video for the Make Me Laugh contest? I hope you haven't forgotten about it. Oh? You have? I'll recap.

  • You send me as many self-made videos as you want.
  • Whoever makes me laugh the most, wins!
  • The prize is money at Starbucks and iTunes.
  • Deadline is tomorrow at midnight (Monday/EST).

Why make me laugh? 'Cause I love laughing. And It's good for my heart. And who can resist getting me to do this:

Of and of course 'cause you can win something.You know, if you need a selfish reason...

just what i needed

Yesterday felt like a long exhale. It felt like a warm blanket. And the first day of spring. I spent over nine hours with a wonderful friend. She's a friend I can be talkative with and also sit in comfortable silence with. And we did plenty of both. She held my hand as we shared hearts, and made me feel completely loved when she hugged me.

And the best part was: We laughed till we cried. And then we laughed some more.

the look

flaughter

If the still-shots don't prove it, maybe this will:

As I drove home at the end of my perfect day, my mind settled on one thought: My heart feels strengthened.

cathi-and-me

It was just what I needed.

contest: make me laugh!

make-me-laugh-banner-smaller

You know a cheerful heart is good medicine, right? Well, these days I keep finding myself scouring the internet for some comic relief. Laughing always feels good, but right now it feels like magic.

And it's your turn to provide me a dose of laughter medication.

Head over to the talk to me page and you'll see a new feature I recently added to the Grit. You can easily record and send me a video (or audio) message that comes straight to me. It isn't displayed online; I'm the only one who sees it.

So get your webcam rolling and create a funny video to send me. The person who makes me laugh the hardest will be declared the winner.

Contest rules:

  • You can submit as many entries as you'd like.
  • Record your video here. If you'd rather film/edit your video some other way and email it to me, that's fine, too.
  • Submissions must be received by midnight (EST) on Monday, January 12th 19th.
  • Winning video will be displayed on my blog.
  • Winner will receive some bucks to spend at two of my favorite places to drop cash: Starbucks and iTunes.

Got it? Let me know if you have any questions!

This is your time to shine. And my time to laugh.

Bring it on!

:::::

**POST UPDATE**

Winner announced!

the love of a friend

I've spent four of the past eight New Year's Eves with my best friend. Not too bad of a track record considering we've lived on different continents for the majority of that time. On New Year's Day, Kitty and Peaberry flew back to South Africa. My heart feels full just thinking of the hugs my friend received at the Johannesburg airport from her husband and son. And at the same time, my heart hurts because she's gone.

But mostly I'm humbled and overwhelmed that she even came with me and spent the past three weeks by my side. I hope she really knows how much I love her...