missionary musings

can i say this out loud?

A recent read in Philippians ended with this note in my Bible's margin: Constantly check the intentions and motives of my heart.

I've been wanting to lose weight for a while now. But it's only since I got back from the States that I've been more intentional about it. Developing healthier eating habits, making wiser food choices, going for walks.

I've gotten into a habit of weighing myself several times a week. The fact that my scale weighs me in kilograms bothers me some. While I can use my trusty calculator to convert the number I see into pounds, when I initially look down at the scale, the number means absolutely nothing. But its position relative to the number that was there the last time I checked is enough to make me feel like I'm progressing on my "get healthier" journey.

Anyway, my scale-stepping became part of my morning routine. Not everyday. But a few mornings a week. So what does this have to do with Philippians and motives?

Well, you see... I was fasting for a while. And about halfway through, I caught myself stepping on the scale one morning and considering my progress. (Gasp!) "Consider the intentions of your heart," I thought. When fasting became -- even for that ever-so-brief moment -- a step towards my weight-loss goal, my intentions were way off.

I literally moved the scale out of sight. I knew that if I continued to see it each morning as I stepped out of the shower, I was going to continue to be tempted to step on it. It took up residence with the dust bunnies under my claw-footed bathtub.

And I refocused my heart on what I was really aiming to accomplish with my fast.

Now when I see my dusty-edged scale, I'm reminded to check my motives. At least my mind will have something else to ponder as I try to figure out what the numbers on the scale mean.

paradox

Lord, I believe. Help me overcome my unbelief.
Lord, I love. Help me overcome my hard-heartedness.
Lord, I submit. Help me overcome my pride.
Lord, I forgive. Help me overcome my unforgiveness.
Lord, I trust. Help me overcome my walls.
Lord, I give. Help me overcome my selfishness.
Lord, I rejoice. Help me overcome my despair.
Lord, I hear. Help me overcome my stubbornness.
Lord, I understand. Help me overcome my ignorance.
Lord, I see. Help me overcome my lack of vision.

iPray

I love the book of Isaiah. I recently told a friend that I can (and often do) just camp out there. Isaiah 61 has always been significant to me, for many reasons; and God led me there again this week.

As I mulled over the words, it quickly became a prayer for myself...and for a friend. And while I wouldn't normally do this, I felt impressed to share my written prayer here. In some ways, there's freedom in sharing it. But mostly I just have a sense that it's for someone else, too...

I pray...

That God would bind up our broken hearts (from wounds inflicted by others as well as ourselves)
Pronounce freedom into every part of our lives where we are held captive (by sin, fear, self)
Shine His light into every corner where darkness still resides within us (as scary as that may be)
Speak His unswerving, undeserved favor over our lives (for apart from it, we can do nothing)
Comfort us in our grief (over the big and the small)
Give us beauty for our ashes (for I know I have many)
Flood us with joyous blessing to wash away our mourning (over losses both significant and minute)
Clothe us with garments of praise (covering us head to toe) as He takes away the spirit of heaviness and despair (an amazing exchange)
Make us oaks of righteousness, planted by Him to display His splendor (rooted firmly, strong, unmovable)

Amen.


my story

Because of a friend's recent realization about her passion for writing, I've been thinking a lot lately about how much I enjoy it. Writing, that is. This morning, I was reminded that God is the author and finisher of my faith. I pondered that fact. Author of my faith. Author of me.

He is writing my story. And I'm watching it unfold before my eyes. Watching the path appear before my feet. (I have a mental picture of walking into nothingness, but just as each foot is lifted to take a step, the next bit of paved path appears... Written into existence.)

He is the perfect author. He needs no editor. He needs no second draft. He needs no backspace. He writes it perfectly the first time.

Author and finisher. No abandoned writing projects. No half-hearted attempts. No arms-in-the-air, "I quit!" moments. He finishes what He starts. Completely. Thoroughly. He is writing my story till the end. There are many chapters I have yet to see, but they are there.

As much as I love to write, God loves it even more. He was the first to do it. And He's the best at it.

Combine His love for writing with His love for me, and you get my name written on the palms of His hands. Leaves me wordless...

grapevine

I shouldn't be as concerned as I am when I hear the negative things people sometimes say about us. It isn't anything new. We've experienced it since we started. But at times it still catches me, and stings more than I should allow it to.

A few days ago I heard about someone's lies about us. While it's not surprising to discover that this person is still telling her fabricated and negative stories (though still sad), it was shocking to discover how far they had reached. We heard about it from someone who lives, literally, halfway across the country from her. I was floored. And saddened.

Then the Lord reminded me of His promise: "Every tongue which rises against you in judgment you shall condemn." How do I condemn them? By continuing to be faithful, to bear fruit, to do what God's called me to do.

People will keep talking. And I need to just keep on keeping on.

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do it afraid

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Courage is a huge part of being a leader, and it's an area I find myself needing to grow in constantly. Leading with courage is about "doing it afraid". Stepping out, saying it, doing it -- even when I'm uncertain, unsure, afraid. If I wait until it all makes sense, or until I know with certainty what the outcome will be, or until I've got it all worked out in my head, I will do nothing. I will not lead, but follow. Or at best, meander ahead. Basically, I'll remain non-courageous. To put it bluntly: I'll remain cowardly. Paralyzed by my fear and insecurity.

Courageous leadership follows Jesus when He calls, even when I have no idea where He's leading. Courageous leadership steps out of the boat when I don't know what will happen. Courageous leadership says the hard things that need to be said, regardless of the fact that I don't know what people's reactions will be. Courageous leadership does the right thing all the time, even when it's contrary to popular opinion. Courageous leadership is active -- actively speaking, doing, directing, leading.

I need to develop more courage in my life. Not self-righteous courage. Not courage that's really just cocky arrogance. But humble courage. Courage that says, "Even though I'm uncertain, my Guide is reliable and we will walk on..."

anti-phone

I'm a bit anti-phone.

Maybe it's because I'm an introvert. Or because I feel more comfortable writing than talking. Whatever the reason, I typically don't enjoy talking on the phone.

I just hung up from a 37-minute phone conversation with a struggling missionary in Cape Town. I'm glad that she felt she could call and vent (I mostly listened), and I hope in some way I was a strength to her. But I got off the phone feeling completely drained.

How can something as silly as talking on the phone be so challenging (and even stressful) for me?!

god's way vs. my way

We tackled the weighty subject of disobedience in our staff development time on Monday. Niel feels strongly that we are on the brink of the miraculous and on the edge of a supernatural breakthrough of provision. In a desire to "get the house in order", and make sure we are in no way stopping the flow of God's blessings, he challenged all of us to examine our hearts.

We each made a list of five areas of our lives in which we are doing things our way instead of God's way (which is what disobedience is). Niel then challenged everyone to fast one day this week. In 9+ years of ministry, Niel's never before called a corporate fast. I knew he was serious and that God was clearly leading us to do this.

Everyone agreed, and today is our ministry-wide fast. We were all asked to spend time in prayer today about the five things on our list: to really think (with Holy Spirit guidance) about how we are doing those things our own way, to seek out and better understand what God's way is, and to commit to initiating a change in each of those areas.

My time spent doing just that this afternoon was wonderful. (I hope it was for everyone on our team.) I also spent some time mulling over a passage I love in Isaiah about what God really wants from me as I fast.

I am challenged. But I am also filled with hope. Hope for a changed life. Hope to become more like Christ (even in a small way) each and every day. Hope for forward motion in my journey.

I can't wait to see what God's going to do...

records, meetings, and hijackings

I think we broke the record today for our longest staff meeting ever. But it was really good. It totally didn't seem like it took almost 3 1/2 hours.

We hold staff meetings every other Monday morning for all our staff (missionary and Basotho) and interns. Our meetings have three parts: testimonies, department updates, and development. We all sit in a big circle (which today was even bigger since the Outreach Staff joined us as well). Starting anywhere in the circle, we work our way around the room -- anyone who wants to can share a testimony about what God has been doing in and through them and their department in the past few weeks. This morning, more people than usual shared incredible stories of what God has been up to. It is encouraging and energizing for all of us to hear what He's doing throughout the ministry.

Then we go back around the circle sharing department updates -- upcoming events that everyone should be aware of. Because we are a team, we feel it's important for everyone to know what's happening in each area -- even if they are not directly involved in it or affected by it. We want everyone to walk away with a sense that their efforts indirectly affect everything the ministry does -- and through that, impact every life that is impacted by the ministry. "It's all Kingdom business!"

Then we end off with a time of development. Niel and I feel strongly that we are called by God to minister to our team -- to the staff and interns He has blessed us with. We are intentional about providing as many opportunities for growth and development as we can.

(As we recently shared with our interns, we are not responsible for them, but we are responsible to them. We are responsible to them in the sense of creating an environment that is conducive for personal and spiritual growth and providing as many platforms for development as we possibly can. But we are not responsible for them. They alone are responsible for their own growth and development. What they do with the opportunities we provide is their own choice.)

Development time usually involves a teaching of some sort (either by Niel or via a teaching DVD) and a time of discussion about personal (and ministry) application. We are currently working through a DVD series about submitting to authority. The sessions this morning -- and the discussions that ensued -- were really, really good.

In spite of the way it hijacked my morning, necessitated that I reschedule several meetings, and made my day seem rushed and hectic, I walked away from staff meeting feeling strengthened for the week ahead.

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backlog

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I believe in backlog.

I'm pretty much always tired. I wake up almost every morning still feeling sleepy. Even after a good night's sleep, I'm tired. Even after the very rare occasion of sleeping till noon, like I did this morning (wow!), I still wake up tired. Backlog, I tell you.

Getting a sufficient amount of sleep one night (or even several) does not seem to make up for the backlog of tiredness. That's my theory, anyway. Otherwise, why would I still be tired today?

Backlog. Gets me every time...

it’s always been about jesus

In Genesis, He is the ram at Abraham’s altar.
In Exodus, He is the Passover lamb.
In Leviticus, He is our high priest.
In Numbers, He is the cloud by day and the fire by night.
In Deuteronomy, He is our city of refuge.
In Joshua, He is the One who fights our battles.
In Judges, He is our judge.
In Ruth, He is our kinsman redeemer.
In I & II Samuel, He is our king.
In I & II Kings, He is the gentle whisper in our hearts.
In I & II Chronicles, He is our victory.
In Ezra, He is the faithful scribe.
In Nehemiah, He is the rebuilder of everything that’s broken.
In Esther, He is the One sitting faithfully by the gate.
In Job, He is our living redeemer.
In Psalms, He is our shepherd.
In Proverbs, He is our wisdom.
In Ecclesiastes, He is the One who brings meaning to our lives.
In Song of Songs, He is the beautiful bridegroom.
In Isaiah, He is the suffering servant.
In Jeremiah, He is the potter at the wheel.
In Lamentations, He is our ever-constant hope.
In Ezekiel, He is the divine shepherd who gathers His flock.
In Daniel, He is the fourth man in the fiery furnace.
In Hosea, He is our faithful love.
In Joel, He is the One who baptizes us with the Holy Spirit.
In Amos, He is our restoration.
In Obadiah, He is our Savior.
In Jonah, He is the great missionary who takes the Word of God to the world.
In Micah, He is our peace.
In Nahum, He is the One who brings good news.
In Habakkuk, He is our mighty strength.
In Zephaniah, He is the One who forgives.
In Haggai, He is the signet ring of the Lord.
In Zechariah, He is our refining fire.
In Malachi, He is the sun of righteousness with healing in His wings.

In Matthew, He is the Messiah.
In Mark, He is our compassionate and willing healer.
In Luke, He is the Son of Man.
In John, He is the way, the truth, and the life.
In Acts, He is our salvation.
In Romans, He is our intercessor.
In I & II Corinthians, He is the fulfillment of all of God’s promises.
In Galatians, He is our Redeemer.
In Ephesians, He is our peace.
In Philippians, He is the supplier of our every need.
In Colossians, He is our life-source.
In I & II Thessalonians, He is our faithful Lord.
In I & II Timothy, He is the mediator between God and man.
In Titus, He is our merciful Saviour.
In Philemon, He is the giver of all good things.
In Hebrews, He is our great High Priest.
In James, He is the One who exalts the humble.
In I & II Peter, He is our rescuer.
In I, II, & II John, He is the display of God’s love for us.
In Jude, He is the One who keeps us from stumbling.
In Revelation, He is the King of kings and Lord of lords.

consistency is paramount

Over the past several weeks, a recurring mantra in my head has been “Consistency is paramount”. When we return to a place for a specific experience, atmosphere, or service and are met with glaringly huge inconsistencies, I just have to shake my head. Consistency is paramount. It’s what will keep us returning for more, compel us to tell others about our good experiences, and cause us to be increasingly confident as we know what we can expect.

To me, consistency is an integral part of excellence. Excellence is one of our ministry core values and is something I personally value very strongly (at times to a fault, I know). We constantly tell our staff team that excellence honors God and inspires people. When people know what they can expect, and are delivered that each and every time, I believe that’s excellence.

Seeing so many people’s and businesses’ lack of consistency this past month has been good. Good in the sense that it’s caused me to see things I haven’t seen before and think about things I never considered before. Any time I become aware of things like this, I take a good, long, magnifying-glass look at our own ministry. What areas are we inconsistent in? What should be the non-negotiable consistencies in our ministry? In each department? How do we get our entire team on board as we strive for consistency in all areas?

We still have a long way to go. But I know we’re on the right path.

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one perk

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Our bout of warm weather was short-lived. The past few days have been freezing again. After 9 African winters, I'm still not used to the constant cold (constant because of the lack of central heating). I don't think I'll ever get used to it.

Instead of complaining, tonight I tried to think of the perks of our cold winter weather. But I could only come up with one. It's a good one, though.

I can read at night without being attacked by bugs.

In the summer, it gets a bit buggy here. And since windows don't have screens, the moment the sun goes down the lights attract all sorts of insects, beetles, and moths. I really enjoy reading in bed before I go to sleep, but this is no easy task in the summer. When my bedside lamp is suddenly the only light source in the entire house, it gets a little dangerous to be right next to it. All sorts of flying creatures dive-bomb onto my book, into my face, and through my hair. This inevitably causes me to flinch (and sometimes yelp), and then I hear a loud huff from my "sleeping" husband's side of the bed.

But in winter... No bugs at night! I can read in peace.

blind spots

He's one of our friends. A great guy. A man of God. An incredibly smart businessman. A passionate heart for the Lord. Full of wisdom.

Except when it comes to one specific area of his life. It is frightening to me that someone who is so wise in so many areas can continue to make foolish mistakes in one specific area.

He's stepping into his fourth marriage to a woman that is just like the previous three. I shake my head. My heart fills with a holy frustration to see him continue to fall for this same pitfall time and time again. My heart grieves for his grown children who are being dragged through yet another marriage relationship and who have been so personally affected by the women who have come in and out of their lives.

He has a blind spot. An area of his life that is painfully obvious to others but completely unseen by him. Over the years, Niel has had some difficult, but necessary, conversations with him about it. But he still doesn't see. Or doesn't want to see.

We all have blind spots: areas of our lives that we don't even realize are in error. I pray that my closest friends will adamantly point out to me any blind spots I have that are separating me from God in some way, hurting myself or others, or are distracting my focus from what God has called me to do.

In case you were waiting for one, that's an open invitation to speak into my life.

blankets of fog and prayers

When we pulled out of the gate at 7:30 this morning, the road was blanketed in a thick fog. I was following Niel, but could barely see him driving in front of me. When we turned from the dirt road onto the two-lane "tar road", the fog thickened even more.

My eyes widened and my breath seemed to get stuck in my throat when I suddenly saw a pickup truck coming right towards me. The pickup driver was stupidly attempting to pass a truck (even though he couldn't see more than 30 feet in front of him), and ended up barreling towards me in my lane. The truck he was passing was immediately next to him, so he couldn't move back into his lane. And with no shoulder next to the road, I had nowhere to go either.

As I slammed on the brakes, all I remember thinking was, "Jesus!" My mouth didn't open. I didn't even make a sound.

Mere feet away from a head-on collision, the pickup swerved onto the grass on the side of the road and flew right past me.

My first thought after "Thank you, Lord!" was "Someone must have been praying."

Thank you for every prayer you pray on our behalf...

q's and a's

Tonight was awesome.

We did something we've never done before. We had a Ministry Q&A Panel for all our interns, Outreach Staff, and Thrive Trippers. The panel consisted of Niel and I, 2 staff members, 2 interns, and 2 Outreach Staff. Everyone else had the freedom -- and platform -- to ask any question they wanted (either addressing specific panel members or asking the entire group).

There were some very thought-provoking questions asked, and I really enjoyed getting to hear the other panel members' answers. I learned a lot just by listening. It was fascinating.

I also discovered that while I don't necessarily always enjoy speaking publicly, I love answering questions like we did tonight. While part of me fears the on-the-spotness of it (needing to have a "quick" answer), I found myself really being able to share from my heart (and my experiences) -- and loving it. We were able to talk about how we got the vision to start Thrive (and how we stepped out to do it), our biggest challenges in ministry right now, our favorite parts of what we do, and our vision for the future (how we see things growing and developing).

The evening ended with worship, s'mores, and laughter around a bonfire. It was a good night indeed.

bits and pieces

I'm finishing up a curriculum for our LaunchPad program that is basically a New Testament Survey; I wrote the Old Testament one last year (or was it the year before?). In both of them, I point out the glimpse of Jesus we see in each book. It was an awesome journey for me to do that with the Old Testament -- finding the foreshadowing of Christ in all 39 books -- and I'm enjoying that part of writing this new one as well. It's a little easier with the New Testament (mainly because Jesus is more visibly plastered throughout it), but it's also a little harder (which aspect of Him, which glimpse into His character, should I highlight?!). I'm finding it a challenge to narrow it down.

This week I have lots of different writing projects on my to-do list:

  • New Testament curriculum
  • Email newsletter
  • Supporter letter
  • Website copy (which thankfully I am no longer working alone on!)
  • Emails

And I'm only in the office for a day-and-a-half! Yikes!