divorce

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thank God!

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It's really hard for me to remain thankful in all things. In moments of disappointment, hurt, anger, frustration, impatience, whatever, it's often impossible difficult to lift my eyes and say, "I will thank You anyway." And as if that weren't a sufficient enough challenge, I'm not just instructed to be thankful in all things. I'm commanded to be thankful for all things.

"Always giving thanks to God the Father for everything..."

Sigh.

That means I need to live from a heart that readily says---

  • Thank You for my husband's infidelity.
  • Thank You for his decision to leave me.
  • Thank You for this loneliness.
  • Thank You for yet another high-pain day.
  • Thank You for the uncertainty and the unknowns.

I need to start thanking God for my "all things". Even before they work together for good.

Thanking Him even for what hurts and confuses me, develops trust. It helps me acknowledge that He's in control, and that He has even this---whatever this may be---in His hands. Thanking Him for what makes my heart ache, builds my faith.

And my faith sure needs building.

But, to be honest, I'm nowhere near there yet. I don't know when I'll be able to say with a sincere and genuine heart, "Thank You even for this."

But this week I am going to start praying, "Lord, I want to want to thank You, even for this..."

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now i get it

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This week last year was hell on earth. I honestly don't know how I managed to stay standing breathing. I'd finally found irrefutable proof of my husband's affair---evidence I knew he wouldn't be able to deny or push back on me. But for a long list of complicated reasons, I had to wait until the end of the week to confront him with it. I had interns who deserved the best debriefing possible. And I had Thanskgiving to cook for 30-some-odd people.

So I said nothing to him about it.

I told only my Kitty, and her frequent phone calls and texts got me through the seemingly never-ending week. Somehow I led debriefing sessions, prayed over my beloved interns, drove 16 hours home, cooked for a small army, and hosted a holiday meal. All with evidence of my husband's lengthy unfaithfulness tucked in my back-pocket.

And the morning after Thanksgiving, I pulled the cord.

The weight of that week---that I couldn't express or let out last year---is weighing on me now. And it's crushing me. If my sweet friend were here, I'd cry it out on the bathroom floor yet again.

But still I know, just like a year ago, I will keep standing. Keep breathing. Even when I don't know how. And even when I don't want to.

God, You are Redeemer. Redeem even this.

Redeem even this.

, ,

my heart is tired

, ,

The past few weeks have been full of some really great things. But when I landed back in Atlanta last night, I knew I was more than just physically tired. My heart is weary, too. And that frustrates me. I've spent time doing things I love with people I love, and yet... my heart has settled back into this valley-like funk. Hmph. The past two years have destroyed the holidays for me. I hope they get redeemed at some point, but right now they just feel... hard. And my eyes can't help but fill as I let my thoughts wander to the days ahead (and the days past).

I wish I could fast-forward through the next six weeks. A time that used to be my favorite of the whole year now just amplifies my loneliness and heartache. I hate it.

I'm already tired of it and it hasn't even really started yet.

I know all the things I'm supposed to do to pull myself up by the bootstraps and get through this. I know. I know. I KNOW!

I'm simply too tired (inside and out) to do it right now.

Thankfully "God helps those who helps themselves" isn't in the Bible.

But this is: "He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along."

While I don't have it in me to do anything right now, I'm hoping that God will show up and once again do what He does best:

Rescue the helpless.

listen up, guys

Men--- Can I talk to you for a minute? I'll be quick, I promise.

The way you love your wife shows her the way Christ loves her.

Too much pressure for a fallen man?! I didn't say it. God did. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church..."

Your wife will believe and experience Christ's love for her to the degree that she believes and experiences your love for her. God can miraculously work in anyone's heart and life, and women with very ungodly husbands can certainly still experience intimacy with Christ. But God puts the responsibility on you to show your wife how much He loves her.

Help your wife believe that Christ values, treasures, and adores her today.

[From a post on this day last year, which may read a little differently now that you know what was going on in my life at the time I wrote it.]