my love/hate relationship with risk

Risk. I say it under my breath as though it's a a four-letter word.

Well it is a four-letter word, but sometimes it really does feel like a curse.

When I decided to make risk my one word focus for 2010, I knew it would be hard. I knew I might even regret it. I had no idea it would challenge literally ever fiber of my being.

My heart has been stretched threadbare this year.

And in ways no one will ever comprehend, simply waking up some mornings has felt like a painful risk.

Never mind my health issues. Or the ongoing pain of my divorce. Or a long, grueling fundraising trip, only to have to close the ministry because of a lack of funds.

My heart can only take so much.

And I seemingly kept inviting more with my commitment to risk.

I don't necessarily think the year would've been easier had I not made that choice. That's not at all what I'm saying. But I do know that I willfully leaned into hardship because of it. I stared the fiery furnace in the eye and said "But even if He does not..."

And then He did not.

Risk.

Oh how I hate you.

And yet, somehow, with tears in my eyes... Oh how I love you.

I may have been stretched to my limits, but I discovered my limits went further than I ever anticipated. I may have hurt more deeply than I imagined possible, but the plumb line of pain showed me just how deep my heart runs.

I may have tentatively opened my heart a bit at a time, but I've experienced the matchless gift of being loved well. I may have trusted again only to have it stolen or abused at times, but I learned that I haven't lost that skill entirely.

I may have held my breath as I stepped into potentially joy-filled moments, only to realize I still have laughter in me. I may have doubted more than I believed, but I've seen what a mustard-seed-sized dollop of faith in a mind-blowingly big God can do.

Oh risk... You've been worth it.

I've been worth it.

:::

Tell me about your word... your year... your heart. And start thinking about your one word for 2011, but don't tell us what it is yet!

trusting God

I woke up with this phrase running through my mind--- "Trust in God, and trust also in Me."

Jesus said that. Right after He said "Don't let your hearts be troubled." Which means I'm allowing my heart to be troubled when I choose not to trust in Him.

I need to hear that again.

I'm allowing my heart to be troubled when I choose not to trust Him.

I'm gonna stop right there, because that one sentence gives me plenty to think about and try to put into action today.

Sheesh... if only trust were easy.

And if only I hadn't chose to risk more this year...

sweet victory

My friend Laura summited Mount Kilimanjaro yesterday. I got an email from her not long after she got back down the mountain. It was incredible to get to experience the sweet joy of that victory with her, even from an ocean away. In her email, she tried to wrap words around the dichotomy of what she was feeling. She described both the painful difficulty of the final push to the summit and the overwhelming sense of accomplishment that came with it. She was in serious physical agony (and would be for some time still), but she almost didn't even care. The taste of victory was just that sweet. She had pushed herself hard, for a very long time (the rigorous training, the grueling hike, the labored breathing in air so thin...) --- and the few moments she had on the top of that mountain peak made it all worthwhile. She was on top of the world in every sense.

I'm sure Laura is sore today. I bet she aches in places she didn't know could ache. But I also bet that she feels amazing! To have set such a challenging goal and to have accomplished it?! Wow. What a matchless feeling!

I'm feeling challenged to push myself harder in at least one thing today. Time to take stock of my commitment to risk this year and be intentional to actually do it. Even when I don't want to. Especially when I don't want to.

I'm also feeling challenged to celebrate my victories. I can be so hard on myself, so focused on all I'm not doing as well/much/hard as I should, that I don't rejoice over what I've succeeded in. Even the smallest victories are worth celebrating. Like the fact I've blogged 4 times this week. (A "norm" for me just 6 weeks ago, but impossible to do lately...) Or that I'm pushing myself out of my introverted comfort zone at a time when I just want to crawl inside my shell.

I'd love to hear some of your recent successes---big or small. Pause long enough to rejoice over your accomplishments, thank God for the grace to get there, and let others encourage you from the sidelines.

Let's celebrate our victories together!

it's time for a check-up

Isn't it crazy to think that 2010 is more than half over? Seven months gone; only five months left. Time to take stock. Focus. Realign as needed. I wonder how many of you have been working toward your one-word goal.

Actually, I wonder how many of you even remember your one-word goal.

(Go back to the comments here and here if you need a reminder...)

Mine is risk.

In all honesty and fairness, while I've tried to stay focused on risking more this year, there are entire days weeks that go by when I don't even think about it.

I don't usually wake up wanting to risk that day. This isn't one of those things that gets easier the more you do it. Every single time is hard.

But still... I continue to challenge myself to risk.

When faced with a decision or a situation, I can't help but think... RISK! It has caused me to do things like have hard conversations, spend time with challenging people, do things I wouldn't ordinarily do, hit publish on especially-vulnerable blog posts.

I should be keeping a "risk list" somewhere... because sitting here now, I'm having a hard time thinking of all the specific ways I've risked. Even though I know have. I blame it on my Fuzzy Brain Syndrome. So, starting right now... I'm keeping a "risk list." Somebody ask me in a couple weeks to make sure I'm still doing it, k?

What about you?

Are you still focusing on your... focus? Are you regularly doing what you set out to do with your one-word goal?

Maybe you weren't around The Grit in January and didn't pick a word for your year. It's not too late to start. Choose a single word to focus on for the remaining five months of 2010.

Let's finish this year with intentionality.

friendships lost

My heart hurts tonight for friends I've lost. And after spending hours looking at pictures, stalking websites, and wiping my tears, I'm hoping my heart will find solace with some words... When my husband walked away, so did some friends.

Some, I think, simply didn't know what to say, so they chose to say nothing. And they still say nothing.

Some, I think, felt uncomfortable because of their continued friendship with Niel. As if it had to be one or the other.

Some, I think, made assumptions rather than asked questions, So they passed judgments about me, my character, and my heart.

Some... I don't know that I'll ever understand what happened or why. They're just... gone.

And it hurts. Deeply.

Tonight I let myself feel it. I let the tears come for friendships lost... For histories that seem to be washed away by futures that will never be... For not knowing if the missing is mutual... For what was... For what is...

Tonight I talked to God about it---about them---for maybe the first time. And I asked Him to help me trust Him with this, even though---or maybe, because---I don't understand it.

Tonight I'm trying choosing to "rejoice with those who rejoice". They all seem very happy, and I want to simply be happy with and for them.

Tonight my heart is letting go... And saying goodbye to those I never got a chance to.

And I pray I never stop loving. Stop letting people in. Stop trusting. Stop showing my heart.

Because I know love isn't love if there's no risk involved.