friendships lost

My heart hurts tonight for friends I've lost. And after spending hours looking at pictures, stalking websites, and wiping my tears, I'm hoping my heart will find solace with some words... When my husband walked away, so did some friends.

Some, I think, simply didn't know what to say, so they chose to say nothing. And they still say nothing.

Some, I think, felt uncomfortable because of their continued friendship with Niel. As if it had to be one or the other.

Some, I think, made assumptions rather than asked questions, So they passed judgments about me, my character, and my heart.

Some... I don't know that I'll ever understand what happened or why. They're just... gone.

And it hurts. Deeply.

Tonight I let myself feel it. I let the tears come for friendships lost... For histories that seem to be washed away by futures that will never be... For not knowing if the missing is mutual... For what was... For what is...

Tonight I talked to God about it---about them---for maybe the first time. And I asked Him to help me trust Him with this, even though---or maybe, because---I don't understand it.

Tonight I'm trying choosing to "rejoice with those who rejoice". They all seem very happy, and I want to simply be happy with and for them.

Tonight my heart is letting go... And saying goodbye to those I never got a chance to.

And I pray I never stop loving. Stop letting people in. Stop trusting. Stop showing my heart.

Because I know love isn't love if there's no risk involved.