guarding my heart

I'm a dichotomy. While I may not outwardly fight for my heart, inwardly I build walls to try to keep her safe.

My walls are built with bricks of distrust, fear, and insecurity. They're held together with the mortar of doubt.

Yet, ultimately, they're nothing more than a mirage.

Because I'm only fooling myself if I think I can keep my heart safe.

I can't protect myself from getting hurt.

Pain is an inevitable fact of life. It comes with every relationship---even the best of them. Those I love the most, and who love me the most, will still hurt me. Just as I'll hurt them.

Because none of us are perfect.

Yet I still try to shield myself from hurt.

I spiritualize my walls under the banner of "guarding my heart".

I've never really understood what that verse means. I've struggled to understand the balance between trusting and guarding my heart.

And while I don't presume to have it all figured out now, I finally realized something.

A few verses prior, God tells me to listen closely to His words and keep them within my heart. Only when I pay attention to what God says---about Himself and about me---can my heart be protected.

Because it's really about trusting Him to watch over and guard my heart.

That doesn't mean I won't be hurt. It just means I won't get stuck there.

Because it's not really the hurts inflicted by others that will ruin my life the most. It's my self-built protective walls that will.

It's time to start knocking down my walls.

No... Actually, I don't have to knock down anything.

I just need to step through the mirage of walls that have kept me in bondage rather than safety.

Instead of trying to avoid more pain, I want to let the Healer set me free.

And trust Him to guard my heart when the next hurt comes.

even from myself

My heart feels a bit bruised these days. She's even more sore than my legs are. I don't know that I can fully explain to anyone all that's been going on inside me the past few weeks, but it's leaving my heart feeling more vulnerable than she has in a long time.

She feels exposed. Raw. Black and blue.

Although I often get defensive when I shouldn't, I usually don't defend myself when I should.

I don't fight for my own heart. So she ends up getting beaten up.

I'm not good at speaking up for myself or being assertive. I fear sounding defensive, so I often don't explain myself when others misunderstand me. At times I fear putting my heart on the line, so I hold her back but wish someone could see through the blurry mess and just know what's going on inside.

I am my own worst enemy. I treat myself more harshly than I'd ever treat anyone else. I am, by far, the hardest person for me to extend grace to.

I often feel unfought-for by others. But the reality is I'm unfought-for by me.

Why should anyone else defend what I don't even bother to?

This all taps into those fears and insecurities deep inside me. That place in my heart that doubts my worth, value, and lovableness.

It seems to spiral viciously out of control rather quickly.

I'm trying desperately to learn to slam on the brakes in those moments and pour my heart out like water before God. Messy. Uncontrolled. Unrestrained. Just as it comes.

Bruises and all.

In Him alone will I find refuge. Safety. Security. Worth.

In Him alone will I feel defended.

Even from myself.

feeling seen helps us hear

I've had some incredibly encouraging conversations lately. God has been speaking straight to my heart through people who truly see me in my situation and ministry. I don't know that I can explain very well what I mean by that. But if you've ever felt invisible, I think you know what I'm talking about.

Simply feeling seen is amazingly restorative.

My pastor reminded me to focus on seeking God, not just His will. Ultimately, the only thing I need is more of Him. Yet I can get caught up in pursuing God for something rather than just pursuing God.

I need to seek God's face and not His hand.

And I needed to be reminded of that fact.

A new ministry friend spoke some freeing words to me. "You don't need to feel stained by the situation you're walking through. Because you're not. Others' decisions are not a reflection of you, your heart, or your vision in ministry."

I can't even tell you how much I needed to hear that.

It was as though I could hear the chains dropping to the ground.

These conversations fueled my passion to make others feel seen. And to use my words to build up rather than tear down.

Don't underestimate the power of your words to breathe life into someone.

Look around. And look beneath the surface to truly see the person under the layers of circumstances.

Be intentional today to speak strength and courage into someone's heart.

It's probably just what they need.

four-minute friday: iowa

Go. It still feels a little unreal to me that I've spent this week with my friend Sara.

For lots of reasons.

Like the fact that I normally live on another continent. And Sara lives in Iowa of all places. Iowa.

And like how I had to be perfectly healthy so I don't pass something on to her. And that is no small miracle for me.

But all the stars aligned---by the grace of God!---and here I am.

Every now and again I still squeal out an, "I can't believe I'm in your house!" Because it really does seem too good to be true.

And it's coming to an end all too quickly.

I'm not ready to leave, to say goodbye, to give Sara a final hug. I'm not ready.

But I am so unbelievably grateful.

My heart is going to hold on to this week for a very long time.

Done.

i'll be here for a while still

I'm still thinking about Easter. Shocking, I know, since all the Easter candy in Target has probably already been replaced with Fourth of July crap decorations. But what can I say? My heart is still there.

My heart is stuck in the empty tomb that isn't really empty.

It's filled with hope.

Promise.

Undeserved freedom.

Scandalous grace.

I'm sticking around here because my heart aches to really, truly believe.

All the way down in my toes, I want to believe that what seems like the end isn't really the end.

When it's over, lost, gone, broken beyond repair... that's when things have really just begun.

The best isn't behind me but ahead of me. The glory of what's to come far outweighs the glory of what was. Life after death is so much more extraordinary than life before it.

Wholeness comes from brokenness.

Beauty is birthed in ashes.

Strength is made perfect in weakness.

So bring on your summer plastic wear and star-spangled centerpieces. You know where to find me if you need me.

I'll be chillin' in that empty-yet-abundantly-full tomb.