guarding my heart

I'm a dichotomy. While I may not outwardly fight for my heart, inwardly I build walls to try to keep her safe.

My walls are built with bricks of distrust, fear, and insecurity. They're held together with the mortar of doubt.

Yet, ultimately, they're nothing more than a mirage.

Because I'm only fooling myself if I think I can keep my heart safe.

I can't protect myself from getting hurt.

Pain is an inevitable fact of life. It comes with every relationship---even the best of them. Those I love the most, and who love me the most, will still hurt me. Just as I'll hurt them.

Because none of us are perfect.

Yet I still try to shield myself from hurt.

I spiritualize my walls under the banner of "guarding my heart".

I've never really understood what that verse means. I've struggled to understand the balance between trusting and guarding my heart.

And while I don't presume to have it all figured out now, I finally realized something.

A few verses prior, God tells me to listen closely to His words and keep them within my heart. Only when I pay attention to what God says---about Himself and about me---can my heart be protected.

Because it's really about trusting Him to watch over and guard my heart.

That doesn't mean I won't be hurt. It just means I won't get stuck there.

Because it's not really the hurts inflicted by others that will ruin my life the most. It's my self-built protective walls that will.

It's time to start knocking down my walls.

No... Actually, I don't have to knock down anything.

I just need to step through the mirage of walls that have kept me in bondage rather than safety.

Instead of trying to avoid more pain, I want to let the Healer set me free.

And trust Him to guard my heart when the next hurt comes.