even from myself

My heart feels a bit bruised these days. She's even more sore than my legs are. I don't know that I can fully explain to anyone all that's been going on inside me the past few weeks, but it's leaving my heart feeling more vulnerable than she has in a long time.

She feels exposed. Raw. Black and blue.

Although I often get defensive when I shouldn't, I usually don't defend myself when I should.

I don't fight for my own heart. So she ends up getting beaten up.

I'm not good at speaking up for myself or being assertive. I fear sounding defensive, so I often don't explain myself when others misunderstand me. At times I fear putting my heart on the line, so I hold her back but wish someone could see through the blurry mess and just know what's going on inside.

I am my own worst enemy. I treat myself more harshly than I'd ever treat anyone else. I am, by far, the hardest person for me to extend grace to.

I often feel unfought-for by others. But the reality is I'm unfought-for by me.

Why should anyone else defend what I don't even bother to?

This all taps into those fears and insecurities deep inside me. That place in my heart that doubts my worth, value, and lovableness.

It seems to spiral viciously out of control rather quickly.

I'm trying desperately to learn to slam on the brakes in those moments and pour my heart out like water before God. Messy. Uncontrolled. Unrestrained. Just as it comes.

Bruises and all.

In Him alone will I find refuge. Safety. Security. Worth.

In Him alone will I feel defended.

Even from myself.