I'm sitting here thinking about my year. This one. That's almost over. 

And how I set out to be wholehearted.

Yet I find myself at the end of 2015 feeling heavy and sad and dark-cloud-ish, with a heart that's more broken than whole. 

And it makes me feel like I failed big time.

I've already written another post (that I'll share soon, I promise) about the ways I can tell I grew in wholeheartedness. So I know—cognitively—that I can't write it all off as a failure. And yet...

I haven't been able to shake that feeling. 


So I dug back and re-read what I wrote at the start of the year about what I wanted to get out of my One Word 365 journey. 

"I'm determining to live more wholeheartedly. To be all-in. To be fully present. I'm committing to give myself permission (and a nudge) to be truly myself. To stick to my guns. To live, write, and speak with integrity (in the fullest sense of the word — with wholeness and completeness in all parts of me).

I'm purposing to show up this year, in every way.

In each situation, in each decision, and with every single person, I want to show up wholeheartedly. Even when that means facing my fears. Or candidly sharing the vulnerabilities of my heart. Or taking a huge risk. Even when that means flying solo. Or saying no. Or standing my ground when I want to run away." 

My eyes filled with tears. (Because, me.)

I hadn't read that since January. I'd forgotten how I'd first unpacked the word and everything I wanted to squeeze out of it.

And sitting here now, I can see—in countless ways—how I lived those things out. Certainly not perfectly or always or in any gold-star-deserving ways. But I did.

I'm thankful for those in my life who called out the times they saw I was leaning into wholeheartedness—as well as called me out in the times I needed to be leaning into it. Almost daily, my decisions, words, and actions were influenced by this one word, this choice I made twelve months ago. 

I showed up for my own life this year. 

I lived and loved with my whole heart.

So despite the brokenness my heart feels as 2015 comes to a close, I know I am a stronger, healthier, braver, more loving, and more true woman than I was when it began. 

And that is the opposite of failure. 

:: :: ::

I'd love to hear about your One Word 365 journey this year.
Feel free to share in the comments or include a link to your own blog post.