use your words

"Come on... Use your words."

I loved/hated that he was turning my own phrase back on me.

I'm a words girl. I value their weight, their gravity, their depth. I love how words can be beautifully strung together in a way that moves my soul. 

I'm a slow writer. Painfully slow. The words don't come easily for me. I have to mine for them, laboring over each syllable.

I want my voice to be true, my words sincere. So I try not to rush the process. I take my time, often only discovering what I truly think or feel as I'm writing it out. This "free therapy" is neither quick nor painless, but it's (usually) oh-so-worth-it.

Backspace is my closest friend. I never get it right the first time. Ever. I edit, chop, change, add, remove, abandon, start over... I rarely land where I imagined I would when I began.


Using my words to talk? Now, that's a whole other story.

I've gotta be honest: I hate that talking lacks the luxury of time and backspace. (Maybe this is part of the reason I'm not a phone person. Hmm...)

When I feel uncomfortable, or want to say something important or meaningful, or attempt to share something vulnerable, I can never find words — the right words — quickly enough. I pause at great length. I hesitate. I sit silently. I get awkward. Really awkward. 

My mind trips over itself, stumbling around my internal dictionary, trying and failing to find the best words to say what I mean.

All the while, growing increasingly embarrassed and annoyed with myself, imagining that whoever I'm with is surely losing patience as I try to lasso my escaping thoughts.

"Come on... Use your words."

It jarred me back to reality, to the long pause I couldn't figure out how to break. Cheeks flushed with awkwardness and frustration, I finally just made a ridiculous face and shrugged. I think I said, "I don't know just yet..." or something else equally flat-lining...

I want to get better at using my words — written or spoken. I want the fuzzy brain fog to lift and for clarity to return. I want to be more aware of my truest thoughts, and less afraid of my own voice. I want to speak and write with honesty, sincerity, and heart. 

I want to be brave enough to always use my words.