Most people assume I'm further along in my story than I actually am. I'm still right in the thick of it, in ways no one will fully comprehend. Most don't realize that I'm not actually divorced yet. The shortest, most tactful reason is that my husband continues to make choices that are hurtful not only to me but also to our ministry. And so it lingers on, hanging over me like a dark cloud, every single day. So while some people think (and have gone so far as to say) that I should be able to move forward more than I have, I simply can't. The cloud has created an inescapable darkness that renders me paralyzed. Powerless. Lifeless. The darkness scares away hope. It blurs my vision. It heightens my pain. It makes me realize just how alone I am.
Alone is quite possibly the worst feeling in the world.
It squeezes my chest so tight, I can no longer breathe. When I feel I couldn't possibly have any tears left, it somehow finds more.
I'm sure my back-and-forthness must be driving everyone crazy. Or at least making them roll their eyes. I'm so over me, I can only imagine everyone else is too.
I know I waver back and forth, at times literally drowning in my lonely ache and other times trying to buck myself up and rally my faith. I know what I should feel, I know what God says, I can hear the non-stop loop in my head of all I should be doing to "get over this" or move forward or whatever. But as hard as I try to cling to those things, that cloud envelops me still.
Today I desperately miss being half of an "us".
For purely selfish reasons.
No longer a "we" means no longer having a someone to talk with through decisions I need to make. It means not having a someone to help make sense of my crazy thoughts. It means not having a someone who cares about how I spend my days, where I am, what I'm doing, how I'm feeling.
I know I have a myriad of someones in my friends, but that's not the same as having my someone.
And today I could really use a someone...