I'm deeply afraid of being a burden. Yet sadly, I've lived most of my life feeling as though I am one. And I hate it. The fear is so deep, so strong, that it's shaped who I am.
Putting my own wants and needs before someone else's, makes me feel like an imposition. And even though I know it isn't true, part of me still clings to the thought that I can avoid being a burden to others if I put them first.
My fear is the reason for my indecisiveness. It explains my aversion to voice an opinion. It's why I'm hesitant to assert myself. All of those things are (futile) attempts to keep from feeling like a burden.
It's a tiring way to live.
The moment I feel burdensome, I start freaking out inside. I hate feeling as though I've become work. So I start scrambling. I apologize; I try to fix things; I'll do just about anything to make things right.
All in an attempt to lighten the load of me.
Because ultimately, my deepest fear is abandonment.
When I start feeling that I've become work for someone, my brain (or is it my heart?) tells me they are going to walk away because I'm simply not worth the effort. After all, that's what my husband did.
I am enough because I AM is enough.
And I want my life to reflect that truth instead of the lie I've been reflecting for so long.