i'm sorry

I've spent my whole life apologizing for being me. Those who know me well, know I say "I'm sorry" a lot. A lot. A few people have repeatedly told me to "stop apologizing!" But I can't seem to.

I'm quick to apologize for things I've done wrong, but I'm also quick to take on myself what isn't mine to own. I am a peacemaker; I can't stand lack of resolution. So I am almost-always the first to apologize, even when I'm not the one who did wrong.

But more than that---beyond apologizing for what I've done, or even for what I've not done---I live with a demeanor of apology simply for being me.

I can remember feeling that way as far back as second or third grade. I did well in school, and we all know being the smart kid is never "cool". So I learned early on to hide my grades from my classmates. Even as an elementary school student, I was apologetic of being myself when "myself" wasn't socially acceptable.

And it's bled over into every area of my life as an adult. I apologize for my quietness, for my desire for intimacy, for my personality. I apologize for my opinions and for my lack of opinions. I apologize for who I'm friends with; I apologize for who I'm not friends with. I apologize for my weaknesses and my strengths. I apologize for being... For just... being.

So I'm trying to stop. I'm trying to be okay with being myself and am trying to ease up on the unnecessary "I'm sorry"s. I want to apologize only for those things I actually need to own. I shouldn't apologize for what's not mine. Easier said than done.

They say step one is admitting your issue, and that admittance is half the battle. So...

Here's to progress?!