A year ago today, I heard those fateful words. "I've made my decision. I want a divorce."
I actually knew it months before he said it.
But still... Hearing him say it out loud...
The words fell like heavy stones, pinning me down. The air seemed to be sucked out from all around me. The sobs came quick and forceful. I could barely catch my breath as I scrambled to get out of the car.
It felt like I'd imploded.
Up until that moment, his words and his actions were never aligned. Now that they were, the fears and insecurities inside me seemed to solidify even more.
Every day I struggle with feeling unlovable and unwantable.
I battle the fears of abandonment and rejection.
I fight thoughts of being dispensable and replaceable.
I have days (moments, really) when my heart feels free from the death-grip of those messages. But this week---today---the weight of it all feels heavy and burdensome.
Yet despite the painful significance of this day, I am still standing. And I know that is no small thing.
Though the burden I carry feels unbearably heavy, I know I don't carry it alone.
I'm choosing today to let Him do the heavy lifting. He is "God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens." He can handle it just fine.
I'm aware of the veritable army of in-His-image burden bearers that surrounds me. We are told to "carry each other's burdens", and I have so many who are helping to carry mine.
Every prayer whispered and encouraging word spoken (or written), lifts a few pounds off my shoulders. Makes it easier for me to breathe. Helps me stay standing.
While there is much weighing on me, there is also much strengthening me.
As I take a deep breath, I realize that the weight of it all doesn't feel heavy and burdensome like I first thought.
It's surprisingly light and easy to bear when I remember that I am not alone.