worship on a high pain day

I don't talk about my health issues very often. Or with very many people. For lots of reasons.

Not the least of which is that I have more questions than answers, both in terms of actual diagnosis as well as my heart's processing of it all.

So this post feels like a tremendous risk for me.

It felt frighteningly risky when I began writing it a month ago. And it feels even more so today as it goes live online.

So I'm holding my breath. And doing it afraid.

Because maybe my questions will help someone else. Even if it's only to let them know they're not the only one asking...

... ... ...

I believe You're my Healer I believe You are all I need I believe You're my Portion I believe You're more than enough for me Jesus, You're all I need

That song gets me every single time...

I have a love/hate relationship with it because I always feel challenged to sing the words honestly. Even more so this Sunday morning, because...

It's a high pain day.

I battle chronic health issues, some days worse than others. Today is one of those days. And today, the aches have settled angrily in my hands and arms.

Since I woke up, I've been subconsciously massaging my hands. Rubbing my arms. Trying hard to find some small bit of relief however possible.

And then that song starts.

You walk with me through fire And heal all my disease I trust in You...

Oh my heart...

I'm left whispering that simple prayer that seems to be all I can muster at times like this: I believe, Lord. Help me in my unbelief.

So I lift my sore arms Heavenward and declare -- maybe mostly to myself -- "I believe You're my healer... I trust in You... Nothing is impossible for You..."

My heart wrestles through the tension of trusting that God heals, despite the fact that He may never heal me here on earth.

I've seen Him heal. I've watched it with my own eyes. I've seen Him do it through my own hands.

I've witnessed cataract-clouded eyes opening, lame men dancing, deaf ears hearing for the first time. I've experienced scores of miraculous healings. And yet, every day, I live with pain.

So my heart continues to wrestle through the tension of faith.

How do I reconcile what I believe to be true with what I actually experience everyday?

I don't know that I can.

Maybe all I can do is choose to keep wrestling. To worship Him anyway, with my pain-ridden hands held high. To acknowledge with honesty, "God, I don't get it... but I want to trust You. I need to trust You. Help me trust You."

Painfully praising.

Wincing in worship.

It isn't mine to understand. It is only mine to trust. Even in the pain. And the uncertainty. And the heartache.

I'm not called to understand the mind of God. I'm only called to pursue His heart.

And to trust that ultimately His heart is for my good and His glory, no matter what.

So even though I may not get it, I want Him to still get me.

All of me.

High pain days, wrestling heart, unanswered questions, and all...

Originally posted at Deeper Story. Read the comments there >

we have a voice

Yesterday, I asked a question on Twitter to get the input of my online community. And wow, did I ever get input!

My question?

Who would you say is an influential, inspirational, creative FEMALE voice? Why?

And the flood of responses was overwhelming.

I was surprised by all the guys who tweeted back! Thank you, men, for stepping up and shining light on the women you admire and respect.

And women, thank you for highlighting the many strong women who add so much to your own lives.

I ended up spending hours going through all the names. Many familiar to me... some dear friends... a plethora I'd never heard of before. Until now.

The women on this list span the globe.

They are authors, speakers, artists, musicians, photographers, CEOs, moms...

And all of them? Strong voices of creativity, inspiration, and influence.

Quite a few people asked to see all the names that came in, so I compiled them into a list, along with the "why"s people shared. I've included website and Twitter links, so you can easily start following these incredible women.

Each of us, no matter where we are or what we do, has a voice.

We have influence. We have listeners. We have followers.

(And I'm not just talking the Twitter-kind of followers... Think about your 3-year-old following you around the house, trying to do what you do. Think about your friends who ask for your advice. Think about your spouse, committed to doing life with you. Believe it or not, you have followers.)

People are listening. They are watching. They are being impacted by us, even when we are unaware.

Think about your voice today.

And what you want people to hear...

: : :

Take some time to meet and connect with these amazing women around the world. And let us know who you would add to the list, and why.

Allison Buzard | allisonbuzard.com | @AllisonBuzard Her perspective on how faith influences social work systems is unique in a culture clamoring for 'social justice'

Ally Spotts | allyspotts.com | @allyspotts Courageous faith-walker and bold truth-teller

Amena Brown Owen | amenabrown.com | @amenabee Poet like you've never seen, heard, or experienced; she breathes life through her spoken words

Amy Becker | amyjuliabecker.com | @amyjuliabecker Honest, smart, beautiful writer

Angie Magnino | smangiemag.blogspot.com | @graceinseason Powerhouse of creativity and leadership

Anne Jackson | annejacksonwrites.com | @AnneJackson Truth written in beauty

Ashley Campbell | ashleyannphotography.com/blog Beautiful writer and photographer; Inspirationally teaches her kids to care for the world

Ashley Smith | @ashleyasmith A passionate voice for grace

Beth Moore | blog.lproof.org | @BethMooreLPM Gifted communicator of God's Word

Bianca Olthoff | blog.inthenameoflove.org | @BiancaOlthoff Says it like it is; Biblically sound and unafraid to speak the truth

Bobbie Houston | coloursisterhood.com | @bobbiehouston Strong leader, pioneer, unique thinker

Candace Cameron Bure |  candacecameronbure.net |  @candacecbure An incredible, Godly role model in Hollywood

Caryn Rivadeneira | carynrivadeneira.com | @carynrivadeneir Candid and authentic about the intersection of life and faith

Chimamanda Adichie | Her TED talk Beautifully weaves African history, stories, and heritage into poignant relevant truths

Christine Caine | equipandempower.com | @ChristineCaine Powerful, passionate teacher of truth; Rescuing women who've been victims of sex trafficking

Danah Boyd | zephoria.org/thoughts | @zephoria She's a genius

Darlene Zschech | darlenezschech.com | @darlenezschech Surrendered heart of worship

Emily Thomas | cancercardxchange.org | @eticklethomas Followed her passion and drive to start a nonprofit with potential to change lives, and the best mom I've ever known

Idelette McVicker | idelette.com | @idelette Passionate about raising our collective voices to bring down the walls of injustice

Jamie Wright | theveryworstmissionary.com | @JamieTheVWM Raw honesty with a little bit of crazy goodness

Jen Lemen | hopefulworld.org | @jenlemen Smart and inspiring

Jennifer White | jenniferowhite.com | @jenniferowhite Full of grace and wisdom

Jenny Jones | jennybjones.com | @JenBJones Shows how a woman can be funny without being crass, brilliant without dumbing herself down for men, and vulnerable without being mushy

Jill Sweetman | jillsweetman.com | @jillsweetman Amazing pastor with a heart for marriage, parenting, and relational issues

Jonalyn Fincher | soulation.org/jonalynblog Intelligent, articulate, and redefines Biblical womanhood

Juli Slattery | facebook.com/JuliSlattery | @DrJuliSlattery Wise, grounded reflections

Karen Hammons | karenhammons.mobi | @karenhammons Encouraging advocate for grace

Karen Walrond | karenwalrond.com | @Chookooloonks Refreshing perspective

Kim Miller | redesigningworship.com | @kimmmiller Giftedly creative woman

Laura Story | laurastorymusic.com | @LauraStoryMusic Honest, thoughtful, and worshipful

Mandy Steward | messycanvas.com | @messycanvas Original and amazingly creative

Margaret Feinberg | margaretfeinberg.com | @mafeinberg One of the most passionate speakers I've ever heard; amazingly creative teacher

Mary DeMuth | marydemuth.com | @MaryDeMuth Transparent thinker who inspires others; Generous with her ideas, resources, and encouragement

Mary Ellen Mark | maryellenmark.com Tells a compelling story in her photography

Nancy Duarte | duarte.com | @nancyduarte Revolutionizing communication

Nicola Hulks | nicolahulks.blogspot.com | @nicolahwriter Never afraid to be herself, takes huge steps of faith, gifted writer who uses her influence for good

Nicole Cottrell | modernreject.com | @modernreject Hip, funny, cool, and can jab people with Scripture and truth; Powerful writer, pulls no punches, challenging/inspiring faith; Someone I'd want to lead my church

Priscilla Shirer | goingbeyond.com | @PriscillaShirer Powerfully influential speaker

Rachel Snyder | thelazychristian.com | @LazyChristian Outspoken, candid, truth-speaker

Renee Ronika Klug | quietanthem.blogspot.com | @reneeronika Passionate to see women restored to freedom

Sarah Brown | gordonandsarahbrown.com | @SarahBrownUK So wise and strong, yet so down to earth

Sarah Cunningham | sarahcunningham.org | @sarahcunning In her element with creativity and influence; Has vision for tomorrow and brings others into it; Speaks directly to this generation with authenticity

Shauna Niequist | shaunaniequist.com | @sniequist Honest about life and faith

Stephanie Smith | stephaniessmith.com | @stephindialogue Encourages me through her writing about beauty and creativity

Sunny Cain | sunnycain.blogspot.com | @sunnycain Challenges me to live up to God's best; Honest, gentle, wise beyond her years

Tamara Lunardo | tamaraoutloud.com | @tamaraoutloud Epitomizes creativity, balance, grace, and beauty -- in words, in life, in faith, in action

Teresa Robinson | rightbrainplanner.com | @stargardener Things that felt impossible for me feel possible in her presence

Tina Francis | shelovesmagazine.com | @teenbug Embraces risk, hopes against hope

Tracee Persiko | traceepersiko.com | @traceepersiko Knows her stuff and her passion is contagious; Loves deeply, makes people feel seen and valued, communicates God's truth from the overflow of her heart

Vicky Beeching | vickybeeching.com | @vickybeeching Creative, inspiring, pioneer

: : :

Who else would you add to the list? Why? (Please include links so it's easy for everyone to find & follow them.)

God is good

I was raised to believe that blessings and healing and victory belong to those who believe. Which is a wonderful thought. But the flipside of that belief is that failure, sickness, and lack are signs of not believing enough. So while I was taught to instinctively respond to "God is good" with "All the time", it was understood that God's goodness is only reflected in the goodness of our own lives.

It's not in the pain or the difficulty or the challenges. For those, clearly, are signs of a wayward heart... a faltering faith... an unexposed sin.

Basically anything but blessing, success, and victory boiled down to me not being enough.

Not praying enough. Not believing enough. Not claiming the victory enough. Not speaking words of faith enough.

It was drilled into me that difficult and painful circumstances were never God's will for me. And if I found myself in the midst of them, then obviously I needed to change/fix/do something to get back in right-standing with God, so that things would turn around.

I think back now and I wonder how I processed all the stories I read in the Bible.

You know, stories like Stephen being killed because of his faith. And Joseph's decades of wrongful imprisonment. There's also Paul's beatings, jail sentences, and never-abating thorn in the flesh. John the Baptist, Jesus' own cousin, had his head chopped off. And let's not even talk about Job...

I don't know what I did with those stories that clearly flew in the face of the you-will-always-walk-in-blessings-if-you-have-enough-faith breed of Christianity I embraced.

Because the truth of the matter is this: There are a good many things in life that I simply can't believe my way out of.

The rain falls on the just and the unjust. Bad things happen to God-fearing people. Life isn't fair. And life is harder than anyone ever tells you it's gonna be.

A faith that only acknowledges the goodness of God when things are going great, isn't faith at all. It's nothing but a sandcastle mirage...

Faith is believing that God is good even when my life is anything but.

Faith is believing that God is good even when my world is caving in.

Even when the sickness isn't healed... When the pain gets worse instead of better... When my husband leaves me... When I lose everything...

Faith is looking at my world that's spiraling out of control and choosing to believe that the God of the universe is still in control.

God is good. And God is sovereign. And faith is believing both those truths at the same time.

Life is hard. This we all know.

But, still... God is sovereign, and God is good.

All the time.

No matter what.

Originally posted atDeeper Story. Read the comments there >

He reaps where He didn't sow

As I live in the tension of the shrug, one of the things I've wrestled with in the past few years is the promises of protection and provision in the Bible.

Because God-fearing Christians are still sick and injured and quite often left-without. So I just don't get it...

I mean... Why do we pray for the angels to have charge over us, when accidents still happen to angel-surrounded Believers all the time? I don't know. And I'm not trying to start a theological debate here... just voicing my questions. Or rather my lack of answers.

I've wondered about the whole "no weapon formed against you shall prosper" thing. Because I've had a lot of weapons formed against me. And a lot of weapons have succeeded.

I've endured literal fires, floods, droughts, breakdowns, tornadoes, infidelity, divorce, and the closure of our ministry... So I've wrestled with what it means that these weapons formed against me won't prosper, because they sure have seemed to...

The past few days as I've been pondering all this again, I had this thought:

Maybe it's not that the weapons formed against me won't succeed in hindering or destroying me... but that even if they do, they still won't bear fruit.

The weapons may stop me or thwart what I'm doing or even slay me, but that doesn't mean they will bear fruit in my life. Because God -- as only He can do -- reaches in and creates beauty from ashes, new life from death, joy from mourning.

God reaps even what He doesn't plant. No matter what, He ultimately reaps a harvest for my good and His glory even from the weapons formed against me.

Remember the parable of the talents? Towards the end of that jam-packed short story, the servant who had been given one talent -- and did nothing with it -- got angry at the Master, accusing him of "harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed." And the Master agreed.

Because that's exactly what He does.

God reaps where He didn't sow, and He gathers where He didn't scatter seed.

He can take a crop of thorns, and harvest a crop of wheat.

He can take all of our pain, and still harvest abundant joy out of it.

He reaps everything good from a planting of everything bad.

"Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. They weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the harvest." Psalm 126:5-6

God never wastes a thing.

Not even the weapons that succeed against us.

the tension of the shrug

I've gotta be honest: I've got more questions than answers.

I grew up in a Christianity that didn't allow me to admit that. So for years I "had" all kinds of answers. But underneath them all was a shaky voice and a doubting heart and a lot of unverbalized questions...

And now?

Now I'm just allowing myself to embrace my questions more than I used to.

It's frustrating -- and maddening even, at times -- because I wish I had answers. I crave sureties.

But building a faith on pretend answers is no better than acknowledging I have none at all.

It's like trusting in sandcastles that disappear in the surf...

My only surety -- my only certainty -- is Christ.

And for everything else in between, it's okay if I have to shrug and say "I don't know."

It's hard to live in the tension of that shrug, but that's where I find myself. And though it seems to go against everything within me, I know that just has to be okay.

I'm thankful for a God who meets me in the question marks.

For He alone is the only true and definitive answer.

Period.

How hard is it for you to not have all the answers?