Some people think I'm living it up these days like I'm on an extended vacation. They think that if things are "so bad" in my life right now, I shouldn't be laughing, drinking Starbucks, or having fun. I definitely shouldn't be going to concerts. Or visiting friends. Well, if this is vacation, I want my money back.

Because for every moment of joy, there are ten more of sorrow.

They don't see me in my lowest moments, curled on a bathroom floor sobbing with a friend. They don't know about my sleepless nights, or the times I've stopped mid-aisle in Target because the shaving cream or DVD or t-shirt I saw brought everything flooding back.

They don't see the tears that catch me by surprise at unexpected moments, or the hours spent looking inward in counseling. They don't know about the small group I joined for "people like me", or about how difficult it actually is to face and feel and process all of this.

Life is just hard right now.

So I'm grateful for the brain-breaks and heart-reprieves God blesses me with. Because my mind stops spinning, my heart stops hurting, in those moments when I'm singing along with a band I love or laughing with a friend. And I'm thankful for that exhale.

This is no vacation.

And I'm not living like I'm on one.

Although I am still holding out for an exotic beach to spend Christmas week on... And that I would call a much-needed vacation.