sometimes it's more a crawl than a walk

I'm somewhere I don't want to be. And I'm not talking about Ohio. I mean the place I find myself in life. I never wanted to be here; I never chose to be here; and yet, inescapably, here I am. By decisions not my own, I find myself in the deepest, darkest valley of my life. I'm starting the slow, steady climb out of it. I know it's a journey that will take years to complete---a lifetime, really. The neverendingness of it overwhelms me. But I keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I feel stronger today than I did yesterday. I feel more hope than I did this morning. I feel more peace than I have in a long while.

And yet there are still moments when it all comes crashing back in on me. That's the only way to describe my weekend. Everything hurt again. My heart felt raw and exposed. I could feel loneliness choking the life out of me. I had to fight---hard---to see Him through the darkness.

I know that's how it's going to be for a long time still: two steps forward, one step back. I know it's my "new normal" to have those moments, those days, where I just want to cry in someone's arms. And I seem to be fighting that with everything in me. I hate my new normal. I don't want to accept that this is my life. That this is even happening.

But it's very real. Whether I like it or not.

All I can do is keep my heart fixed on the only One who is faithful and constant.

And learn how to best get through those dark days that will inevitably keep coming.