something's gotta give

Two years ago, when my husband confessed to an 18-month affair, I didn't think things could get any worse. And then he filed for divorce.

And I had to close the ministry I launched 13 years ago.

And I had to give up my home, my car, almost all my possessions, and move back to America. Where I currently am living out of a suitcase, in people's guest rooms, with no income and no plan.

I'd say Transition has slapped me around pretty good.

And, the bully that he is, Transition won't leave me alone.

Change is my only constant. And I've gotta be honest...

I hate it.

It makes me want to scream. It makes me cry ugly tears. It makes me want to cuss.

I've lost so much -- am still losing so much -- to unrelenting Transition.

And -- sigh -- I don't think I've handled it very well. I haven't carried myself very gracefully through these changes.

I'm pretty sure I allowed Transition to steal my faith, hope, and joy along with everything else.

Something's gotta give...

I ended 2010 so ready to kick the year to the curb. But at the stroke of midnight, things didn't miraculously change.

And now, I find myself looking around, wondering where's the "new" in the new year. Everything's still the same. Only the calendar's different.

Transition's still taking a wrecking ball to my life. Hope still seems scarce. Tears I didn't know I had left, keep coming. The hard days continue.

And I know they will.

So I made the decision to look for God's hand in the midst of the hard.

My eyes have been blindfolded by Transition for too long.

I want to actively search for God in my brokenness. Seek out His beauty in my pile of ashes. Face the continual tide of change on my tip-toes, looking for God where I haven't seen Him before.

I haven't quite mustered up the strength to steal back my faith, hope, and joy. But I'm at least going to start looking for them. Which is more than I've done in a long time.

I can't stop change from coming. I cannot.

But I can choose to remember that He holds my ever-changing life in His never-changing hand.

Take that, Transition.


Originally posted as a guest post on Refine Us >