i'm that insecure

I can't help but wonder if I'm the only one who struggles with this---or maybe it's just that I hope I'm not---so I figured I'd blog it out. Fingers crossed that many of you someone can relate. I love networking. Although, honestly, I hate that word. Sounds so business-y. And professional. So let me rephrase.

I love connecting people with other like-hearted people.

I'm energized seeing new friendships and ministry partnerships flourish. It's incredible to watch those I love, value, and enjoy get to know others I love, value, and enjoy. There's something wildly exciting about it.

But, at times, there's also something very scary about it.

If I'm being most honest, I often feel threatened when I introduce friends to each other.

I think immature, stupid things like,

"I hate feeling left out..."

"She's probably gonna end up liking her more than she likes me."

"What if they get really close and cut me out entirely?"

Yes. I'm that insecure.

Without even being conscious of it, it causes a flare-up of fear somewhere deep inside me: I'm easily replaceable. I'm more leavable than lovable. I'm not enough.

I don't really know how to combat that except to continue to connect people anyway. What do I always say? I do it afraid? Yeah, I guess that applies here. I do it afraid.

But I don't want to be afraid anymore.

I don't want to live shackled to that insecurity. I want to walk confidently and securely, rooted in who I am. Or rather, rooted in who He is.

So I'm working on renewing my mind and replacing the lies with His truth. And with the power of public confession, I'm exposing the darkness in my heart, letting His light illuminate and transform it in the way only He can.

And now the hard part of real change begins.

Because saying "I'm working on it" isn't enough. I've got to actually do something about it.