even me

I knew the entire 18 months that my husband was having an affair. At first it was just a suspicion; by the end, we were fighting every single day about her. He kept denying it. And insisting that the real issue was me. How dare I accuse him of something like this?!

Until I confronted him with undeniable proof.

I don't know what I thought would happen after that. I don't know that I was thinking at all. But I certainly didn't imagine everything that's transpired in the year-and-a-half since then.

I never anticipated the bottom completely falling out of my world, making every single thing in my life uncertain and unsure. I never expected him to leave me for her. I couldn't imagine that things would get far worse long before they'd ever start getting better.

I wonder if I'd have gone through with it if I had known what would happen.

I was so crushed, depressed, and broken, that I'm not sure I would have. And that breaks my heart.

It also makes me realize that---and I'm almost afraid to say this out loud---I'm grateful. With tears streaming down my face, I'm thankful that my life shattered to pieces... because I am already more whole than I was before all this happened.

Don't get me wrong. The past few years have been hell. They've been harder than I ever imagined I could survive, and I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone. Even her.

But sitting here today, I have a clearer picture of my value and worth than I ever did in my marriage.

I still have a long road ahead of me. I will live with the pain of this heartache for a long time. But today... Today I feel hopeful that God is redeeming this.

He doesn't waste a thing.

Everything can be made new. Everything can be redeemed. Everything can be made whole.

Even this.

Even me.

[Originally a guest post at Pearl Girls...]