If you've been around the Grit for any length of time, you know that trust has always been a struggle for me. A struggle I've continued to wrestle with, though, because I know it's worth the fight. Now throw my husband's unfaithfulness into the mix and give it a good shake. Trust is really hard for me right now, at a very core and basic level.
I'm finding it harder than ever to trust others and even God. But the uncertainty runs deeper than that.
I no longer trust myself.
For a year and a half, I was told that my gut instinct was wrong. It was said over and over and over again that what I knew to be true, wasn't.
Eventually truth was exposed. And even though I had been right all along, any final remnants of confidence had already been evicted from my heart and self-doubt had set up camp.
And now I'm left doubting my intuition. I distrust my ability to perceive what's going on beneath the surface.
The line between discernment and paranoia is blurry. When I sense something is wrong or just "off", I make myself sick wondering if what I'm feeling is valid or if I'm just being hypersensitive.
And I'm not quite sure what to do with that.
I need to learn to trust myself again.
But I don't know how.