i want to get this right

I have wrestled through each of these posts as I've begun telling my story. I've spent hours writing and rewriting. I've had a friend look them over and make changes. I've slept on them and come back to make more edits the next morning. It's been hard to write them because it's forced me to sit in the hurts all over again. It's been difficult because of the responsibility I feel to the ministry I love, and my desire to represent her well. And it's been impossibly hard because of the weight I feel in how I speak about Niel.

I feel an undeniable tension between wanting to remain honoring of my husband and sharing authentically about what happened and how it's affected me.

I'm laboring over every word I write because I need to get this right. I want to get this right.

And yet I know that without me dressing it up at all, the truth is ugly. It's shocking. It's devastating. Even in the simple telling of facts in the most tactful and respectful way possible, it can seem like I'm being malicious.

But that certainly isn't my intention.

I hope my true heart shines through my words even as I share about the worst season of my life. I pray that in my transparency, you can see more than just my pain. I hope you can also see the love I still have for my husband and my unshakable desire to honor him even in this.

It's been a scary thing for me to feel so vulnerable and exposed by putting my raw heart out there for the masses to see and give their two cents on. But while it frightens me, I crave authenticity. It's been the single greatest intentionality of my blog---to foster authentic community. To share transparently and in doing so, make others feel safe, free, and comfortable to be transparent in return.

So I am committed to continue writing honestly and authentically about my story, while remaining mindful of how my words affect and reflect my ministry and my husband.

And I will continue to choose to honor him.

Because ultimately I desire to honor Him.

ministry announcement

For those who aren't on Thrive Africa's email list, this message was sent out last week---

A Note from our Founder

I consider you part of Thrive's extended family, so I want to share from my heart what's going on in my life and at Thrive. It saddens me greatly to tell you that earlier this year my husband, Niel, chose to terminate our marriage. His decision came after revealing to me that he’d violated our marriage covenant. Although my desire was to move toward reconciliation, Niel felt differently. Following his decision for divorce...

Click here to read the rest.

too paralyzed to speak

I didn't tell a soul. I couldn't. I felt paralyzed.

The shame and embarrassment alone made it near-impossible for me to utter a word about my husband's affair. But added to that was my role as the head of a ministry. I didn't know who I could turn to for help, when most everyone I know is connected to Thrive in some way.

Shame muted me.

Pride froze me.

Fear paralyzed me.

I finally confided my suspicions in two friends. They made me feel less crazy, less invisible. They prayed with me and for me, and kept me breathing when I didn't want to.

I eventually sent one email to a pastor friend. Even though I was deathly afraid that it could affect his support of our ministry, I was desperate. My email was vague, hinting at trouble in our marriage. He responded and said he'd pray. And then he never mentioned it again.

Somehow that reinforced the message inside that I needed to keep my mouth shut.

I know now how foolish that was. With the benefit of hindsight, I so wish I'd spoken up. I regret not pushing past my own paralysis and actively seeking more help.

My deep regret heaped more shame on top of me. I blamed myself because I imagined things would have been very different had I actually spoken up. When I told my counselor how I felt, he told me that nothing I could have done would have yielded a different result.

I immediately dismissed him. I rolled my tear-filled eyes and shook my head. I told him there are too many hypotheticals for him to be certain of that.

He told me that maybe I could have done something that would have affected the situation---I could have somehow forced the relationship to end. But none of those efforts would have changed Niel's heart---because that's a choice he needs to make on his own.

"Nothing you could have done would have yielded a different result because this is about Niel's character and issues, not yours."

It took me several weeks, but I finally began to see the truth in what he said. And it brought such freedom to my heart.

My entire life I've thrown myself under the bus, carrying the blame for anything that doesn't work out as it should. If someone doesn't take responsibility for their wrong or the hurt they've caused, I take it on myself. But I'm learning to only own what's mine to own.

And this is not mine to own.

That doesn't mean I don't wish I'd done things differently. It doesn't mean I did everything right. I definitely acknowledge and take ownership of my personal failures and shortcomings. My sin. I take responsibility for the things I've done wrong. I've repented and am working on correcting my heart issues so I don't repeat the same patterns of sinfulness.

I take full responsibility for  my decisions and actions. But I don't need to carry the weight of shame for someone else's decisions and actions.

Easier said than done.

But every day my heart is more free than the day before.

i knew the whole time

I knew my husband was having an affair. All eighteen months, I knew. The very first time I told Niel I was uncomfortable with his level of friendship with her, they were already crossing the line. I knew it, and his defensiveness only proved it. And by the time I found his secret email account, they'd already made their relationship official.

But every time I questioned him or voiced my feelings, he denied it.

And shifted the blame to me.

Niel tried to make me feel guilty for accusing him. He attempted to convince me that I was being unfair---that if I have a best friend, why can't he? He said the real issue was me. I was blogging too much. I wasn't socializing with our staff enough. I was too paranoid. I was untrustworthy because I kept trying to check his phone and email. With sleight-of-hand manipulation, he'd divert attention from what he was doing and heap shame on me.

I saw through it. I just felt defenseless against it.

I withdrew into myself. I grew increasingly depressed. I thought I was going out of my mind. I don't know how else to describe what it feels like when I know something to be true that is continuously denied---but it was crazy-making.

Niel and I fought constantly. The second half of last year was brutal---we argued every single day about this. And yet he still wouldn't own up to it.

It was only when I held undeniable proof in my hands that he finally began telling the truth.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't known all along. I wish that, like the majority of spouses in a similar situation, I'd been blindsided when the truth came out. Because there is added betrayal and pain in him choosing to progress the relationship even though he knew I knew.

I can't even begin to describe how worthless that left me feeling.

And even putting words to it now, I feel shame. I don't fully understand why, but I feel embarrassed, ashamed, that I knew. Maybe because I wish I hadn't sat in his denial for so long. Maybe because I have regrets for choices I made along the way. Maybe because it makes me feel foolish, stupid, naive.

But it's true nonetheless. I knew even when I couldn't put my finger on it. Even when I had no hard evidence. Even when Niel told me every day that I was wrong.

Discernment is bittersweet. But I always want to sense His Spirit inside me, leading me into all truth.

Because even when it hurts, truth will always set me free.

till someone else comes along

When Niel's affair came to light at the end of last year, I fell apart. There are gaps in my memory of that week---parts I honestly can't even remember. What I do remember is this: I punched my husband. I cried uncontrollably. I spent hours unable to breathe.

I remember knowing that, in spite of my world crashing around me, I wanted to work through this. I didn't know how, but I wanted to forgive Niel. I wanted restoration in our marriage.

So I came to the States to see a counselor, and asked Niel to follow a month later to begin joint counseling. He came, but his heart didn't seem to be in it. He was distant, unapologetic, and disengaged from the process. It seemed evident that his mind was already made up. So I knew before he told me. But on that bitter cold day in March when he finally put words to what his actions had been saying all along---that he was leaving me---I fell apart yet again.

A layer of pain buried 9 years deep rushed to the surface. This wasn't my husband's first infidelity.

Twice I had chosen, by God's grace, to forgive. To ask God to restore and reconcile. Twice. And yet Niel still made the choice to leave.

His "till death do us part" really meant "till someone else comes along".

His decision left me completely broken. I've since struggled with feeling unlovable and undesirable. Not enough. Not worth fighting for. Easily discarded. More replaceable than keepable.

While cognitively I know those are lies, when someone leaves me after making a vow that they won't, it's really hard to believe that abandonment isn't always inevitable.

I hate that it's easier for me to believe the lies of man than the truth of God.

God tells me that I'm enough, lovable, worthy... just as I am.

And I want to believe Him above all else.