out of africa

{Hello? Is this thing on? Can you even hear me over the sound of crickets?} Hi. It's been a while, I know. And while I could never do it justice, I'm gonna try to fill you in on the past couple months...

My first week or so in Africa seemed like an emotional roller coaster. Experiencing so many conflicting emotions, sometimes all at the same time, made my heart feel like she had whiplash. I was glad to be back, and yet familiar things brought equal measures of nostalgia and heartache. The acuteness of it all faded with each passing day. I feel like the length of my trip -- though long in every respect -- was a gift in that it gave me enough time for things to become "normal" again. In a way they hadn't felt in a long time.

I hit the ground running and was extremely busy with work. Long, full, tiring days were a distraction for my heart, which was both good and bad at times. And then, right when He knew I'd need it, God forced me to process rather than push it off.

I am a contributing author to a book being published in September. (Crazy, right?!) My portion of the manuscript had been turned in a month or so before I left, causing the editing process to fall smack in the middle of my time in Africa. Ummm... Wow. It was no coincidence that God had me revisit my memoir-style piece about following Him to and eventually from Africa while actually in Africa. It was h-a-r-d. So very hard. But so, so good.

I really enjoyed the whole editing process, though it was strenuous and heart-stretching in every possible way. I am excited about the new direction my writing took because I worked on it on my first trip back to Africa. And I am really thankful for the forced outlet of processing. My heart is stronger for it.

I had an amazing time with Love Botswana and Bridge for Hope. I am beyond grateful that I get to work with these incredible organizations, and I'm already looking forward to my next trip back to Southern Africa at the end of August.

I'm pretty sure my body has no idea what timezone I'm in. I arrived back in Nashville on Thursday. Less than 24 hours later, I hopped a plane to Oregon to surprise my Best Heart's Friend Cathi with a weekend visit. Her awesome husband helped me plan the whole thing so I could be there for their son's first birthday. Lincoln is my godson, and I didn't want to miss his big day! We had a blast of a weekend, filled with couch time and laughter and hugs and cake. What a gift it was to be there and to have my heart filled up with friends.

And now... I am really happy to be home in Nashville. I love to travel and feel crazy blessed that I get to, but I also love having a home to come back to. I'm a roots and wings girl after all.

From Africa to the west coast and now back in Central Time... Here's to the joys of jet lag (and NyQuil)!

Oh! I've been let out of Twitter purgatory! After 30 days -- with 7 support tickets filed and 0 contact from Twitter -- my account was reactivated just as randomly and explanationlessly as it had been suspended. So weird. (Thank you to all of you who implored the powers-that-be on my behalf!)

Well, I've got a suitcase to unpack and laundry to wash and a roommate to catch up on The Voice with. I'll talk to you again soon.

I promise.

twitter time-out

It seems Twitter has put me on a time-out. I have no idea why, but my account got suspended about 2 weeks ago. I filled out a support ticket to notify Twitter—and emailed them multiple times—but as of yet, I haven't heard anything back. It's so frustrating!

So no, I haven't unfollowed you. I'm not ignoring you. And I haven't been abducted by African militia. I'm alive and well. Just Twitter-less.

When my internet is working, I'm posting to Instagram (I'm @gritandglory there too). So be sure to follow me there so we can at least interact that way.

I miss you guys! I'd love to hear what's going on in your world. So how about we swap highs and lows?

My high this week was... hmmm... I really suck at narrowing things down to only one. So I'm gonna pick two. My high work-wise was walking through the construction site of Love Botswana's new Life Centre. It is going to be the new home for their church, offices, and outreach programs—and will have the first indoor gymnasium in the country! It is really exciting and encouraging to see a dream come to life so tangibly.

My other high was the first down/slow night since we got here. Linda (my colleague) and I had a Friends marathon the other night. We did nothing but laugh, and it was definitely good medicine!

My low is feeling exhausted. I've seriously been so tired. Between high pain days, the heat, and a very full work schedule, I've just been worn out and seriously dragging...

What's your high and low from this week?

flotsam and jetsam

Have you seen the Spring Update post on the One Word 365 site? I wanted to make sure you didn't miss it, because I'm really looking forward to reading how everyone's word and year are taking shape...

Maybe you've written an update in the past several weeks that counts as your Spring Update, or maybe you need to force yourself to stop and write one.

I'm in the latter category.

Although I'm feeling overwhelmed by more to do than time to do it in, and honestly don't know when I'll get my update post done. But hopefully the fact that I'm putting this on my blog will motivate me. (If only that could stretch my time and my energy too. Hmm...)

Anyway...

Please help spread the word and direct people over to the Update page on the One Word 365 site. Let's rally our global community and actively encourage each other to keep on keeping on.

Also -- in completely unrelated news -- I had the incredible honor or writing for Prodigal Magazine this month. You may have already seen it (if you follow me on Twitter), but if you haven't...

I shared a piece of my journey I've never shared before. On getting tested for HIV...

Things here in Africa are going well. My days have been very full and busy, but lots of work is getting done. I am really enjoying and appreciating being back in a team work environment again. It's been so great to have amazing people to brainstorm with and work alongside.

Thank you all for your amazing encouragement, prayers, love, and friendship. It is definitely making being on the other side of the world a bit easier. And I am so grateful...

Okay, your turn.

How about you leave me some flotsam and jetsam of your own. (I've spent about 7 minutes trying to determine if that's a question or a statement — my own personal crisis of punctuation!) (Okay, all my rambling is clear evidence of how exhausted I am...)

What are some random thoughts and happenings going on in your world?

On Getting Tested for HIV

I was the all-American good girl growing up. I turned my homework in on time, studied for tests, and got straight A's. I never drank or smoke or did drugs. I went on mission trips. I never dated. (I was, after all, part of the "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" generation.) And I saved myself for marriage...

I never even kissed a guy till I met my husband.

We fell in love as missionaries in his home country of South Africa. We got married and pioneered a ministry in the poorest region of the country.

It was the thing of fairy-tales...

So I never in a million years expected I'd ever have to get tested for HIV.

But I did.

Because my husband was unfaithful. And because we lived in the country with the highest AIDS-infection rate in the world.

He was with her for over a year-and-a-half before the truth came out. And when it did, he chose her. Over me. Over the ministry. He walked away from it all, in pursuit of a new fairy-tale all his own.

With my life crumbling all around me, I was forced to face things I'd never imagined.

Like an HIV test.

I couldn't hold back the tears as vial after vial of blood was taken.

My heart hurt far more than my arm did. I sobbed over the fact that I even needed to get tested. And I wished I had someone there with me. To hold my hand, literally and metaphorically.

My HIV test came back negative (for which I was—and am— overwhelmingly grateful), and I was given some heavy-duty antibiotics to kick any possibility of STDs. So all is well.

Physically.

But, even two years later, I'm still trying to process the reality that someone who professed for-life love put me in this vulnerable position.

And I wrestle with feeling that saving myself for him was a waste. (Even when I know it wasn't.)

I wish there was a pill that could cure my heart of distrust, fear, and insecurities. But there's no quick remedy for broken trust, a violated heart, and a deep-seated fear of rejection.

All I can do is trust the Healer...

Even when it still hurts.

Originally a guest post on Prodigal Magazine. Read the comments there >

fragile

Fragile. Like the costly alabaster jar broken at His feet.

Like the rickety contraption lowering the cripple through the roof.

Like the woman crawling through the crowd for her healing.

Fragile.

Like the tears of two sisters for their brother who didn't have to die.

Like the nakedness of the man in chained torment of his mind.

Like the interrupted desperate plea from a Centurion for his deathly ill daughter.

Fragile.

Like the dull ache of a lifelong thorn in the side.

Like the embers of passion and calling being fanned into flame.

Like the vapor of dreams dissolved.

Fragile.

Like the hope for a Messiah shattered by the strikes of a hammer on a hillside cross.

Like the silence of the Saturday that sealed the tomb more tightly than the stone door.

Like the gasps of fear and hope in discovering an empty grave.

Fragile.

Like the tentative faith of a hand outstretched to feel the scars.

Like the can't-believe-my-eyes belief in a resurrected Savior.

Like the obedience to follow transformed into an obedience to go.

Fragile.

Like my (in)ability to find words and use them well.

Like the fears, uncertainties, and loneliness of my sojourning soul.

Like the weight of self-discovery: momentary mirror glimpses of who I really am and how far I have to go.

Fragile.

Is my heart.

Asking Him

and you

to hold her gently.