5 Minutes with Discipulus

I'm being interviewed over on the Discipulus website today. My friend Moe asked me some killer questions. Like:

• Having served in Africa for thirteen years, what is the greatest lesson that you learned?

• You have gone through so much in life, and yet, you choose to love. What is the driving factor behind that love?

• Jesus asked His disciples, “Who do you say that I am”? Who do you say that He is in your life?

So to hear me unpack discipleship, soapbox about "avoiding the appearance of evil", and speak courage to fearful hearts (including my own), link over and read through the interview.

You are invited to ask questions in your comments there on the post, so if there's anything you wanna know about/from me... feel free to ask!

Hope to see you there...

heart homelessness

Sometimes I feel like my heart is homeless. As though she has nowhere to land. And I'm swallowed up by loneliness, even if I'm surrounded by people. And my feelings are all over the map rather than in one specific place. And home—a place where I feel safe, understood, seen—is nowhere in sight.

Each of us walks such individual journeys, that even someone who has been somewhere similar still can't fully understand the place we find ourselves in. There is a unique loneliness that comes with our paths. A loneliness that cannot be avoided. An inevitable they-just-don't-get-it-ness.

Heart homelessness.

Sometimes it feels more overwhelming, and sometimes I don't feel it at all. It comes and goes like the tide, though without predictability or rhythm.

And my heart's left carrying around her makeshift cardboard shelter... always looking for a place and a people that feel like home.

I know deep down that Home is only in Christ. That He is my shelter, my refuge. He is my security. In Him I am always seen, known, understood, loved, and safe.

But I also think He calls us to find a mirrored sense of home in community.

In those times when it happens, it is absolutely beautiful! A miraculous gift... I have lived this, experienced this, time and time again. There are no words to describe the matchless wonder of this tangible extension of our Heavenly Home...

Yet relationships have seasons... Friends move on... Even the best-intended aren't always trustworthy (myself included)... And everyone's journeys are different (even when they are similar)...

So sometimes our hearts simply have nowhere to land...

What then?

I don't know...

As usual, my writing (like my heart) takes the shape of a question mark rather than a period. And so instead of presuming to have an answer, I ask you...

What do you do when your heart feels homeless?

bittersweet

When people hear I got divorced after 10 years of marriage, the question is inevitable. "Do you have kids?" I usually purse my lips together and shake my head while I answer. "No... No kids."

And then I hold my breath.

Because nine times out of ten, the response is the same. And I catch myself bracing for it.

"That's good."

I keep my lips pressed tightly together, and slowly nod obligatorily.

I understand what they're saying. With as much as my life fell apart when my husband decided to leave with another woman, I am grateful there weren't children's hearts also so deeply wounded. So yes. That part is good.

But what most people don't realize is there is such a bittersweetness there.

I don't not have kids because I didn't want them.

I longed to have children, and we were finally at a place of attaining certain goals that would allow me to step back from working full-time so we could start a family. And the irony is that he began pushing for a baby right when he started his affair. And since I knew something was going on—even when I didn't know how bad it really was—I knew adding a baby into the mix wouldn't "fix" anything. So I'm the one who made the decision to wait. Because I needed to be sure we were okay.

And we weren't.

And we never had kids.

So while I'm glad there weren't little people dragged through the devastation of my past few years, and I'm beyond thankful I don't need to figure out an international custody arrangement, there is also a huge sense of loss for what could have been... and for what will never be.

It's an added layer of grief. Of mourning. Of letting go. Of uncertainty about ever having the opportunity again.

So yes. "That's good." But it also sucks.

Just think twice before you make a quick remark to someone. We never know the whole story. We can never comprehend the full situation. Don't presume. Don't preach. Ask.

Ask questions. Hear what the other person is thinking... feeling... saying... not saying...

Don't jump to conclusions.

Just ask.

And love.

Originally posted at Deeper Story. Read the comments there >

how? or wow!

There are two kinds of people in the world: How? people and Wow! people. Typically we are bent one way or the other, although certainly we are all capable of both.

How? people are the figure-out-ers. They hear a great idea and immediately jump into the role of working out how to make it happen.

Wow! people are the encouragers. They hear a great idea and immediately respond with exhortation and encouragement.

Both are needed. And at different times in the ideation process, one is needed more than the other.

The How? questions will eventually be needed, but not always right away. Often ideas need to percolate a while before the logistics should be tackled. What may be needed initially are some Wows! to fan the flame and fuel the vision.

I learned this the hard way.

I'm a How girl. I quickly jump to the practical elements when I hear an innovative idea... How can we make this work? What will we need to do it? When could we feasibly get it done? What steps do we need to take to get there?

I ask questions, not to challenge but to strengthen and help.

But I realized that my Hows? can come across as deflating when I never intend them to. In all honesty, I know I crushed my ex-husband's heart many times by responding with How? when what he needed from me was a Wow!

Ugh.

So when I'm sharing an idea in my heart with someone, it may be best to define where I'm at in the process and what I actually need from them.

It may be helpful all the way around to clarify when I need a Wow! reaction and when I need a How? reaction. And when someone is trusting me with an idea of their own, it may be wise for me to ask right off the bat what they need in that moment.

I want to always be one who encourages and strengthens, with both Wows! and Hows?

I just need to get better at learning when each is most needed...

Are you a How? or Wow! person? How does it play out in your relationships?

when i fly

When I fly...

I touch the outside of the plane as I board.

I choose an aisle seat.

As soon as I sit down, I put my seat back just a tiny bit -- not enough to be caught, but enough that I feel convinced I've scored myself some extra room.

I keep my seatbelt as loose as possible.

I adjust the air-blower-thing to high, and angle it right at me.

I wear a sweater or zip-up for when the air-blower-thing inevitably makes me cold.

I always bring something to read and rarely ever read it.

I text my friend right before I have to shut my phone off. It's tradition. Last text before takeoff, first text after landing.

I turn my phone on as we're landing, so it is fully powered up by the time we're on the ground. (I know, I know... So I won't also tell you that I've been known to occasionally turn it on mid-flight...)

I drink ginger ale.

I never eat the peanuts. And I always wonder why they still give those things out, especially with so many people allergic...

I become completely anti-social. I'll smile and say hello, but that's where I'd prefer our interaction end. Sorry, neighbor.

Armrest down. Always down.

I try to avoid going to the bathroom on the plane, but if I do... I cover my ears when I flush. That sucker is loud! Heh. "Sucker".

I try to force myself to sleep if there's turbulence.

I am that girl whose head drops when she falls asleep, jarring myself back awake just enough to reposition and do it all over again.

I thank the flight crew on my way out.

I'm sure there's more, but I'm drawing a blank.

How about you? What do you do when you fly?