Faith

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mine to tell

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I kind of hate what my blog has become. I write from my heart, so my blog reflects the heaviness that's been my life for the past six months. And while I haven't felt ready to share details of what's going on, I've tried to write with openness and authenticity about my journey. I just hate that the result has been a lot of heavy, weighty posts.

I know my ambiguity may be confusing at times. But I assure you I'm not trying to be dramatic. I'm not seeking to create an air of suspense or intrigue. It's not a publicity stunt. My life simply is what it is. And, even void of details, my writing is unavoidably colored by it.

Sometimes I wish I had a poker face.

But most of the time, I'm glad I don't.

My story is mine to tell. I still can't right now, but someday I will. That thought brings both freedom and trepidation. Telling my story means owning my story. And I'm not quite ready to fully accept that it's real. That it's mine. That it is permanently woven into the fabric of my life.

But it is.

Whether I like it or not.

And although I hate what my blog has become during this season, I'm gonna keep writing masklessly. Because the real me is all I've got to offer.

Take it or leave it.

Take me or leave me.

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worthy of my suffering

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I want to live worthy of my suffering. I know suffering is a pretty strong word, and maybe it seems too grandiose. Or melodramatic even. Then replace suffering with trials. They're one and the same really.

He's assigned me my portion, and I want to live worthy of all of it---the gifts as well as the trials.

Now I'm not saying that God causes me to suffer. I don't believe He does. But I desire to steward well even that which He allows. And He makes it very clear that suffering and trials are an inescapable part of this life.

I want to live worthy of everything He entrusts into my care. I want to carry my suffering well.

I desire to face my lows with the same depth of character as I face my highs. I aspire to walk through the valleys with as much uprightness as I walk the mountaintops. I want my seasons of want to be as fruitful as my seasons of plenty.

To live worthy of my suffering means to carry my cross with humility, dignity, courage, and faith. I want to bear my suffering honorably. I don't want to resent the refining process. I don't want to scorn the fire in which my faith is tested; I only want my faith to be proven genuine. I long for Him to consider me faithful.

I want to show myself trustworthy.

Even with this.

Because living worthy of my suffering really means living worthy of His suffering.

give me samuel's ear

I love the story of Samuel. For so many reasons. But mostly because he knew how to hear the voice of God. Even as a boy, he heard God speaking to him. And he learned to respond to His voice with, "Speak, for Your servant is listening." God spoke. Samuel listened. And he put feet to what he heard.

Too often I approach God with an (unspoken) mindset of, "Listen, for Your servant is speaking." And while I know I need to pour out my heart to Him, even greater is my need for Him to pour out His heart to me.

Jesus promises that His sheep know and hear His voice. I've been leaning in close lately to hear every word. I don't want to miss a thing. I don't want to miss His words because I'm not paying attention or won't shut my own mouth. I don't want to dismiss what He's saying because it doesn't make sense, or sounds too difficult, or seems too good to be true. I don't want to disregard Him by giving more weight to the words of others.

I want to hear even His faintest of whispers. God shouldn't have to raise His voice to get my attention.

I want to follow closely, hear clearly, and obey directly. Give me Samuel's ear.

What's God whispering to you lately?

four-minute friday: business meeting

Go. A-hem. Can I have your attention please? It's time for some Gritty business.

This meeting is officially called to order. All those present, say "Aye!"

  1. The talk to me page is finally up and running. That's where you can go if you want to send me an email. But even better, you can also record and send me a video message! How fun is that?! So if you're feeling creative or just want to say hey, go 'head and send me some video mail.

  2. There's also a new page called the lounge. It's a video chat room---so all of you with webcams can meet up and talk to each other. I need you guys to check it out and let me know how it works. Maybe we need to organize an inaugural Grit chat!?!

  3. We're getting close to 20,000 comments. We celebrated the 10,000th with a giveaway---Brandy won herself some brownies---and I'm thinking we need to do something like that again. The big question is: what should the prize be?! Thoughts? Anyone? Bueller?

Meeting adjourned.

Done.