My head and heart have been tsunamied in recent weeks, which has left me feeling disconnected not only from my friends but also from myself. I haven’t been able to figure out how my heart is really doing, much less articulate that to someone else.
This much I know is true: All too often in ministry, we want change for others more than they want it for themselves. I’m always left with a feeling of brokenness when I’m confronted with that ugly truth.
We ministered at a local church on Sunday, and before the service we shared a cup of tea and some conversation with the Mamoruti (pastor’s wife). She shook her head and said, “You know, sometimes leadership is just so hard.” Has she been reading my blog?! Although she and I lead in very different capacities, we both experience similar pressures and challenges as leaders. It felt strengthening to simply be understood.
I’m still not sure how to really answer “How are you?” right now. But I’m reminding myself that He sees, He knows, He cares. And He’s holding my heart gently.
I am praying for your refreshing!
By: Theresa on September 30, 2008
at 5:44 pm
Alece..
Just remember : If we never had any problems, how would we know He could solve them?
I think it’s wonderful that you’re so honest with all your life..the good the bad and the ugly…and I know God will bless you for that…
You touch us all with your honesty …so please remember that even when you are frustrated by things you can’t change…you’re changing other people’s lives and vision that you aren’t even aware of…..just by being you..and being faithful to Him
By: Tamara on September 30, 2008
at 5:54 pm
tamara — i am so blown away by your comment. thank you…
By: alece on September 30, 2008
at 5:57 pm
I love you friend. Miss you too.
I know that disconnected feeling.
I had a dream that I CALLED you last night and all I did was laugh when you answered and you knew it was me. How odd huh? ;-) hehehe
By: Brandy on September 30, 2008
at 6:09 pm
Whenever anyone asks us, “What is the most difficult part of being a missionary?” they are usually surprised by our response.
It’s not the stuff that we miss like candy, cars and a reliable postal system. It’s not the people we miss; even though we love our family and friends who live on the other side of the world.
It is this: it is so hard when we can see where someone can be and they are just not there and unwilling to get there.
I am glad to know that you had a flesh and blood person that could sit down with you and understand your heart.
fyp
By: @ngie on September 30, 2008
at 6:09 pm
brandy — i think i probably WOULD know it was you. didn’t you basically just giggle for the first 30 seconds of our last phone conversation!!?? (i’m smiling that i was in your dream!)
@ngie — it is SO true! thanks for the prayers!
By: alece on September 30, 2008
at 6:11 pm
my pleasure
By: @ngie on September 30, 2008
at 6:13 pm
Oh wow. I’m sorry you’re feeling so burdened. I’ll be praying for you. May God fill and sustain you and show you glimpses of how he IS working through you.
I agree with Tamara: your honesty does reach other people. At times I think it’s the primary reason I’m called to blog. *Somebody* needs it. I guess that makes us missionaries in cyberspace….?
By: Steph on September 30, 2008
at 6:22 pm
I told Jake the other night I wish I could call you b/c my online time seems to be dwindling. He said “I don’ think that would be a good idea” and I said “why not? we have free long distance” and he laughed and said “are you serious?”
OBVIOUSLY our free long distance doesn’t include Africa. Dang rules.
By: Brandy on September 30, 2008
at 6:37 pm
This may not apply but you post reminded me of it.
A counselor once pointed the difference out between goals and desires. “What is your goal?”
“My goal is that my child is off drugs.”
“No, no. That’s your desire. You desire that to be her goal but you can’t control her. A personal goal is something you can control. What is YOUR goal?”
“My goal? For me?”
All too often in life, I want change for others more than I want change for myself.
By: ric booth on September 30, 2008
at 6:47 pm
Psalm 84:5,7 - “Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God is Zion.”
Circumstances are nothing more than something we pass through in a moment’s time. Not easy, but not permanent.
This, from my Bible study this morning.
God’s timing is perfect.
Praying for you.
By: Soliloquy on September 30, 2008
at 7:13 pm
The Gift of Faith:
The Gift of FaithFaith is the thread we hang onto when out life is falling apart. We experience it when we see the power of an ocean and the fragility of a dried-up dandelion. And we know that at such times we are in touch with the Spirit.
In describing this gift of faith, I am not saying that we always feel vibrant and confident. Even the most spiritual and most faithful among us at times have dark moments and gloomy moods. But with faith we have resilience, we have a reservoir of courage, strength and hope to draw on when we encounter pain. And we stand ready to be used by the Spirit in whatever plan God had for our lives.
When we feel the Spirit, it’s like coming out of a fog. We know it can get foggy again, but we also know that there’s sunshine behind the fog, and the mists will clear, and the Spirit will shine through once again. The light of the Spirit frees people, unburdens them, fosters growth and transformation and allows them to make healthy choices.
Spirit comes to us like wind blowing through and through - taking away pretenses, games, phoniness. We are who we are. We are set free. And free people help set others free.
Habakkuk 2:4
By: Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse
By: roxanne kristina on September 30, 2008
at 7:29 pm
Hey friend…
When you figure out how to answer the “how are you” question, I wanna hear.
By: mandythompson on September 30, 2008
at 7:50 pm
I love you.
By: Becca on September 30, 2008
at 8:23 pm
Oh, He so is.
Remind me of that one day, k?
By: Cindy Beall on September 30, 2008
at 9:13 pm
love your transparency.
don’t you wish you could just tell people what to do and then they’d do it? wait, but that would make me God.
and I am not Him. I hate it when people resist the Lord.
Keep at it Alece. You are being used by Him.
By: sarahmarkley on September 30, 2008
at 9:22 pm
i am not going to tell you that I have this all figured out. But can I share a bit of wisdom?
A close confidante and friend who lives afar told me just yesterday………..
Go for it.
Go and let God fill your soul and body with strength..
Allow yourself to feel WHATEVER emotion it is..
Allow yourself time to breathe.
Allow God and maybe a few friends hold your heart. I’m sure there are a few that would.
I love you Alece and I am praying for you.
With your transparency, you are a MIGHTY example of a true leader and woman of God…
seriously…. You changed me..and I’m sure there’s more standing in line behind me shaking their heads and saying amen to that comment.
lovin and prayin.
By: Heidi on September 30, 2008
at 10:20 pm
Wow. “It felt strengthening to simply be understood.” ….Good stuff Alece. You are not alone over there. I know I am not on the same soil at the moment…but I carry some around in my purse and am in total support of you as you sift though your everythings. You are doing a great job!
By: kristiapplesauce on September 30, 2008
at 10:30 pm
steph — i don’t take it lightly that you say you’ll be praying. thank you. (and where’d the link to your blog go???)
brandy — i wish free long distance made it all the way to here!
ric — your final sentence wrecked me! so true. so true…
sol — “but not permanent”. i’m clinging to that.
roxx — lord, i believe! help me in my unbelief!
mandy — are you having a hard time with that too?
becca — i love you, too, friend. thank you.
cindy — will do!
sarah — come to think of it, even when God tells people what to do, they don’t do it. !!
heidi — you hit the nail on the head. allowing myself to feel the emotions is the thing i think i shy from the most. and yet i know it’s the counsel i’d give to someone else in my position… hmmm…
kristi — in your purse!?!?!? (thank you!)
By: alece on September 30, 2008
at 11:02 pm
Hmm, good thoughts girlfriend! The great part is that you are being honest with yourself AND God is faithful and NEVER EVER in a hurry with leading us or our hearts in a direction. Wait on Him, dear one! :) Love from afar…
By: Kari on September 30, 2008
at 11:45 pm
thank you, kari. so much!
By: alece on September 30, 2008
at 11:48 pm
Here’s another one (this and The Gift of Faith help me a lot when I am bumma-trocious [stressed/sad]):
~Gratitude ~
Say thank you. Say thank you until you mean it.
Thank God for everyone and everything sent your way. Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.
It turns what we have into enough, and more.
It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, & confusion into clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. It turns problems into gifts, failures into successes, the unexpected into perfect timing, & mistakes into important events. It can turn an existence into a real life, and disconnected situations into important & beneficial lessons.
Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, & creates a vision for tomorrow.
Gratitude makes things right. Gratitude turns negative energy into positive energy. There is not situation or circumstance so small or large
that it is not susceptible to gratitude’s power.
We can start with who we are and what we have today, apply gratitude, & then let it work its magic.
Say thank you. Say thank you until you mean it.
If you say it long enough, you will believe it.
By: Melody Beattie
By: roxanne kristina on October 1, 2008
at 1:09 am
PS: I really like your header pic. I see the grit on the left and the glory on the right. What specifically is that grit? Is it really poo? That’s all I can make if it. If so, interesting the glory is growing right next to the dung. Sometimes that which stinks is the fertilizer to the fruits of our soul. Easier for me to say than live, truth be told.
By: roxanne kristina on October 1, 2008
at 1:12 am
Brandy you crack me up!!!
Alece, I sent you another e-mail, I love you!
By: faithstart on October 1, 2008
at 3:27 am
I am praying for you. Even though being a leader is hard and sometimes you just want to quit, remember that you are impacting somebody. Keep pushing forward.
By: Jen on October 1, 2008
at 4:11 am
mmmm. I love you friend and I will keep asking you whether you know how you are or not!
By: danielle on October 1, 2008
at 4:12 am
roxx — it IS dung. my friend amy took the picture and made me the header. she said when she saw the dung and flower her first thought was, “now THAT is grit and glory!” hee hee!
jen — thank you. truly.
danielle — keep asking. it does help. i love you!
By: alece on October 1, 2008
at 10:28 am
I have to say it’s the best lit poo I’ve ever seen. Nice form. Good structure. Wonder what animal it’s from. Wish mine was that pretty. :o)
By: Roxanne Kristina on October 1, 2008
at 10:39 am
:SHOCK:
By: alece on October 1, 2008
at 10:41 am
Been thinking of you lots alece. It is so good how, just when you needed it, you were able to talk with someone who really understood. I always think this is God showing us how much He cares - sending us a person to talk to, to encourage us, to support us - just when we need it. Take care :)
By: Birgit on October 1, 2008
at 11:57 am
’tis true!
By: alece on October 1, 2008
at 12:01 pm
the pressures of ministry. unending. added with the extras of “life” = good times, eh?
what a journey. all we can hope for is that we dont miss a thing along the journeys path. that we grow. and that our lives are a reflection of Him to others.
this is the best case scenario at least.
By: tam on October 2, 2008
at 2:02 am
Yep. Ministry is hard and pretty much sucks some of the time. They neglected to tell me that in mission school. But also it has its bright spots. I just find myself hoping that each day there are more bright spots then parts that suck.
I have had a list of 10 things I hate but have never gotten the courage to post it. Like you said. Most people would not understand.
By: DaRonn on October 2, 2008
at 4:24 am
It is wonderful that you are having an opportunity to disconnect. Sounds like it will be a time to recharge.
By: DaRonn on October 2, 2008
at 4:27 am
Praying for you … He does hold you gently.
By: annie on October 2, 2008
at 6:14 am
We want change for others more then they want for themselves…dang, so true. Have you found a remedy for that?
By: kristiapplesauce on October 6, 2008
at 2:44 am
i wish i had!
By: alece on October 6, 2008
at 4:30 pm